Guns 'N Roses Songs

I have this friend who swears that Bon Jovi was the best hard-rock (or as my friend Dave used to say, “cock-rock”) band of the ‘80s. Obviously she’s nuts. That title belongs to Axl and my boys: Guns ‘N Roses. It’s not even arguable. For a brief (perhaps all-too-brief) time, Guns ‘N Roses simply ruled the world. And today, we give them credit.

THE TOP TEN GUNS ‘N ROSES SONGS

#10 14 Years – A very underrated song from “Use Your Illusion Volume 2,” it shows the boys in a more reflective state. (Barely beat out Live and Let Die)

#9 Patience – If only to hear Axl whistle

#8 Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door- Yes, a remake, but Axl and gang gave it a great rendition, 684784956 times better than that idiot girl did earlier this year.

#7 You Could be Mine – From the TERMINATOR 2 soundtrack. One of the more underrated movie songs of all time.

#6 Welcome to the Jungle – I know most would put this higher, but it’s only because the others are better that Jungle slips to 6. A great song, though, with trademark Axl caterwauling and rocking guitar.

#5 Civil War – the best song that never got released as a single. Again from “Use of Your Illusion Volume 2.” It starts with a great quote from COOL HAND LUKE and just gets better. I’m always amazed that this anti-war song isn’t played more often by current groups opposing military action.

#4 Paradise City – I love the way this song goes from kind of silky smooth to the frenetic crescendo

#3 Don’t Cry – Somewhat forgotten later on, Don’t Cry was actually Part 1 of a three-video series into the mystery. What mystery, you might ask? Who knows? Anyway, the video is creepy, especially when Axl is in that grave and keeps trying to get out. The song is the essence of a Hair-Rock power ballad.

#2 Sweet Child of Mine – The song that brought Guns ‘N Roses to national prominence. All the elements that made them great are right here. The manic upshifts, the heavy guitars, and Axl going freaking nuts. By the way, you should hear me imitate Axl on the end of Sweet Child. You’ll swear I’m the emaciated one himself.

And the number one Guns ‘N Roses song is….

#1 November Rain – As much as I love Sweet Child, this is a no brainer. If you have any doubt whatsoever, the video should tip the scales. With apologies to Vincent Price, one-armed drummers (and Pizazz), November Rain is the greatest music video of all time. It was Part 2 in the mystery, and I have to confess it drove me freaking nuts. How on earth did Axl’s wife (Stephanie Seymour) die? At the end of the video there was a credit saying the video was based on a short story by Del James. I spent weeks in the library trying to find it. (It took me 12 years). That’s a long story, one that I will tell another time. But back to November Rain. It’s hard to separate the song from the video. That elaborate wedding. Slash in the desert. The reception, and all the rain. The spilled wine. The funeral. Guns ‘N Roses in concert and Slash standing up on the piano to play while Axl pounded on the keys. I could go on and on. But without a doubt November Rain is the best Guns ‘N Roses song of all time (and some day I’ll tell you the story of the ordeal of figuring out what the heck happened to his wife).

Don't blame me...I voted for Kodos: Treehouse of Horror

TOP TEN SIMPSONS HALLOWEEN STORIES

Honorable Mention: Homer^3 – This really isn’t in the same class as the top ones, but I felt it deserved an HM for figuring out a way to make Homer 3-D.

#10 Easy-Bake Coven – The Salem Witch Trials give us a lot of material. I also love Homer egging his own house. My favorite quote:

Lisa: [when they are about to throw Marge over a cliff on suspicion of being a witch] Stop! Doesn't the Bible say 'Judge not lest ye be judged'?

(crowd in mutters amongst themselves)

Wiggum: The bible says a lot of things, shove her!

#9 Nightmare Cafeteria – I’d say there’s a little “Uter” in all of us. The way Mrs. Krabapple hands out detention. Milhouse falling into the blender right after Bart proclaims they’ll all be safe, prompting Bart to say, “Nevertheless, I still feel that something will come along to save the two Simpson children.” Classic. [Yeah, I know it's the wrong picture. You find that blender!]

#8 Hell Toupee – The answer to the question, “Would Homer kill for a lush head of hair?” My favorite line is right after Chief Wiggum shoots and kills the defiant fist-clenching toupee:

Wiggum: Now that's what I call a bad hair day.

[everyone but Marge laughs]

Marge: May I remind you that two people are dead and ... oh, wait, I just got it. [joins everyone else in laughing]

[Hyperion’s note: Each one of the titles is a clever pun. I just figured out this one. Look at it again. See?]

#7 King Homer – This is a very classic story, but I’d have to include it anyway for the sole reason that they get away with the most risqué line in Simpsons history:

Marge: My name is Marge Bouvier. I'm here about your ad [in the newspaper she is holding]: "Single white female wanted for mysterious expedition. Must like monkeys.
Non-smoker preferred.''

Burns: Well, you'd be a welcome change of pace from the rest of these crude and uncouth sailors.

[On the dock, two of the crude and uncouth sailors ("Aarrr!'') attempt to stare each other down. Mr. Burns turns to Smithers.]

Burns: What do you think, Smithers?

Smithers: I think women and sea-men don't mix.

Burns: We “know” what you think!

#6 Attack of the 50’ Eyesores – Homer stealing the doughnut from Lard Lad is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. (He puts panty-hose over his head.) Lard Lad has some character too. Actually, all the monsters do, especially Mr. Peanut and the Devil that Bart talks into destroying the school. My favorite line:

Marge: [arriving home in the car] Homer, just give him the donut! Once he has it, that will be the end of all this horror.

Homer: Well...OK. If it'll end horror.
[Hyperion’s note: you must Must MUST use that line today when your boss orders you to do something.]

#5 The Shining – This has so many great moments I don’t even know where to begin. Homer being cool with the witch burnings and ancient Indian burial grounds, but shuddering at four John Denver Christmas Specials. Bart keeps trying to say “The Shining” but Willy makes him pronounce it “the Shinning” so they don’t get sued. Homer does the “Here’s Johnny!” line when he hacks through the door, but gets the wrong one and then goes to David Lettermen and finally the cast of 60 Minutes which freaks everyone out.

#4 Monkey’s Paw – Kang and Kodos enslave the world in their very first role, thanks to the ole monkey's paw. A little satire (and not the first time) on gun-control. Flan ders saves the world. Maggie wishes for a gold pacifier. And the single greatest quote in Halloween history:

Homer: I'll make a wish that can't backfire. I wish for a turkey sandwich, on rye bread, with lettuce and mustard, and, I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises. You got it?

[the monkey's paw closes its finger in understanding]

[a turkey sandwich materializes and Homer takes it.]

Homer: Hey! Not bad. Nice, hot mustard. Good bread. The turkey's a little dry.....The turkey's a little dry! Oh, foe, the cursed teeth! What demon from the depths of hell created thee! [H’s note: yet another line I will be using from now until October 31.]

#3 The Devil and Homer Simpson – Flanders as the Devil. Daddy’s soul doughnut. Richard Nixon on the jury even though he was still alive at the time. Homer picking at his head. And Blackbeard the pirate, when forced to sit in a high-chair: “Aaarrrr. This chair be high says I!”

#2 The Raven – First off, you have one of the two greatest voices in Hollywood narrating; James Earl Jones. You have one of the scariest stories of all time, so there’s great material. And then there’s that idiot Homer chasing the stupid Raven around. I have to say, though; even though The Raven is creepy, I love Bart’s line when Homer opens the door in the story and sees nothing.

Bart: You know what would have been scarier than nothing?

Lisa: What?

Bart: Anything!

And the number one Simpsons Halloween Story of all time is….

#1 Time and Punishment – Four words explain it all: Homer fixes the toaster. This might be the single best seven minutes The Simpsons has ever had in one stretch. Homer fixes the toaster in his basement, but somehow screws it up and goes back in time to the age of the dinosaurs. There, he recalls the advice of his father who happened to bring up this very possibility. Abe reminds him not to touch anything, as the results can have catastrophic consequences in the future. Homer accidentally stops evolution and goes back to see endless horror; including Ned ruling the universe and giant Bart and Lisa. Each time he runs back downstairs and tries again, to an even worse fate. But the best is when he comes upstairs to find well-behaved kids all dressed up, ready to take the Lexus to Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma’s funeral. Homer smiles and asks for a doughnut, to which Marge replies, “What’s a doughnut? Screaming like a man who’s lost his soul, Homer runs back downstairs, only to miss it start to rain outside…raining doughnuts! A worthy number one all the way around.

Chalkboard Gags

One of the most beloved traditions of the Simpsons is tuning in for the beginning, since it’s often different. Of course there are the couch gags, but there’s also the oft’ overlooked Chalkboard gags. Sometimes the writers reference things going on right then. One I remember well was right after The Simpsons became eligible for Emmy consideration, and didn’t get nominated (they never have). Bart wrote “I will never win an Emmy.” During the Lewinski scandal Bart wrote both “No one cares what my definition of ‘is’ is” and “The ‘President did it’ is not an excuse.”

The chalkboard gag has quite often been a source of pop references or topical humor, like the following: “My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man;” “I can't see dead people;” “I was not touched "there" by an angel;” “This school does not need a ‘regime change’;” “SpongeBob is not a contraceptive;” “Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story” (You know what Bart’s talking about)

Occasionally Bart or someone else has to write in the actual show, my favorite of which was when Bart stole all the Teachers’ Editions and then had to write “I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty”

Anyway, after taking out the topical references and wading through the all the others, the following are my top ten favorite Chalkboard Gags

#10 Sherri does not "got back"

#9 I do not have diplomatic immunity

#9 I will not carve gods

#8 I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call

#7 There are plenty of businesses like show business

#6 Indian burns are not our cultural heritage

#5 I am not my long-lost twin

#4 I won't not use no double negatives

#3 I will not obey the voices in my head

#2 And the number one Chalkboard gag is….

#1 The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan

Up Next: Simpson Halloween Episodes

Reminder: I offered to write a Top Ten List to anyone who could get five people to visit or two people to sign up. So far not a single person has taken me up on this. Come on folks! I need you!!! (especially the hot ones)

Guest Characters

Over the years The Simpsons have had some memorable guest stars. I’m not talking about people who play themselves, although that might make a good list itself, but playing characters, ones we have come to love. Though I’d never claim this is a complete list, these are the top ten guests of the 180 or so I could find.

THE TOP TEN SIMPSONS GUEST CHARACTERS

Honorable Mention: Elizabeth Taylor; Maggie – There have only been two official words spoken by Maggie on The Simpsons. One happened back when the yellow family was on The Tracy Ullman show. But then they did an episode about Maggie, a heart-tugger if there ever was one, and Maggie got to say her first word. (Do you remember what it was?) The producers could have had any of their talented cast voice the word, but realizing it was a momentous occasion they brought in Liz. Well done.

#10 Michelle Pfeiffer; Mindy Simmons – “Think unsexy thoughts…think unsexy thoughts…”

#9 Johnny Cash; Space Coyote – This weird wonderful episode wouldn’t have worked without the coyote spirit guide, who one moment dispensed Zen-like advice, and the next tried to gnaw on Homer’s leg.

#8 Spinal Tap – “We salute you, oh half-inflated devil lord….Oi.”

#7 Danny DeVito; Herb Powell – If Homer was going to have a brother, I’m glad he was voiced by Danny. I wish I had a brother like ‘Uncky Herb,’ ‘cause maybe then he’d give me a bird who was DRINKING THE WATER!

#6 Albert Brooks; Hank Scorpio – Brooks has done more characters than perhaps any guest, but Scorpio’s my favorite. I love how caring he was of his employees, but then how ruthless he was when taking over the world. I love how he gave Homer a choice between destroying Italy and France and then commented, “Nobody ever says Italy…” And, he got his own theme song!

#5 Jon Lovitz; Artie Ziff, et al – I also loved his director from “Streetcar,” but Artie stands on top, and I think this quote gets it right. “Marge, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell everyone about my ‘busy hands.’ Not for my sake, but I am so respected, it would damage the TOWN to hear it.”

#4 Glenn Close; Grandma Simpson – What a classy woman. My friend April told me once her favorite part was that it was Joe Namath’s wild hair that caused Grandma to go all hippie. I like that she was ornery but loving, sophisticated yet straight-forward. Glenn Close deserved an Emmy nomination for the gravitas she brought this woman.

#3 Joe Mantegna; Fat Tony – With apologies to Tony Soprano and Vito Corleone, Fat Tony is the greatest gangster in history. He’s violent, yet sensitive. A complete boss, yet nourishes his employees’ feelings. And, let’s not forget he’s a devotee of the lively arts!

#2 Kelsey Grammer; Side Show Bob – From the very beginning Side Show Bob Terwilliger won us over as the murderous criminal with more than a little touch of fey in him. One minute he could be fiendish in his plans to commit murder, while the next he could be talked into performing the entire score of “The H.M.S. Pinafore.” The Side Show Bob moments deserve their own list, but I’ll content myself by pointing out that no one ever made hitting a rake so funny.

and the number one Simpsons Guest Character….

#1 Phil Hartman; Troy McClure/Lionel Hutz – a little piece of The Simpsons died when Hartman left us. There simply never have been better characters than Lionel Hutz: Attorney at Law and Troy McClure (“You may remember me from such films as….”) My favorite Hutz quote was when Homer wanted to sue the Sea Captain for throwing him out of The Frying Dutchman before Homer had all he could eat, and Hutz said, “This is the most flagrant case of false advertising since my suit against THE NEVERENDING STORY.” As for McClure, I will ALWAYS remember him in such shows like The Simpsons.

Guest Simpsons List #4

Another has heeded my call to send in Simpsons Lists. I love those who have helped, and am truly grateful. Today we have the inestimable Sea Hag:

Honorable mention: Mr. Plow, Treehouse of Horror V, Bart Sells His Soul, 22 Short Films About Springfield, Homey the Clown, Homerpalooza, Summer of 4 Ft. 2, Sunday, Cruddy Sunday, Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo

10. Homer at the Bat: This episode is really quirky, but fun. I saw Darryl Strawberry in the Crown Room at LaGuardia in December, after just seeing this episode a few days earlier. It was rad.

9. Homer the Heretic: One day I will try the waffle recipe.

8. Trash of the Titans: One of 2 musical numbers I don't despise. Also totally priceless when the band plays the theme from "Sanford and Son" for the Sanitation Commissioner.

7. Marge vs. The Monorail: The other musical number I don't despise.

6. You Only Move Twice: Heh heh, cream and sugar.

5. Whacking Day: This has the memorable "remember when daddy hit the referee with the whiskey bottle?" "Yeah." "Yeah." quote that makes me think of darling Hyperion every time.***

4. The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson: "Crab juice!"

3.Bart on the Road: Every time my dad goes to Knoxville, he calls and tells me he's at the Sun Sphere.

2. Lisa's Wedding: So full of quotes: "I don't know if I should wear white. I mean...Millhouse." "Millhouse doesn't count!" Also highlights the love that Lisa has for her father.

1. Mother Simpson: This one is full of funny stuff (" I hate John Knowles." "Me, too.") but what really makes this one stand out is you get to see a sweet, vulnerable side of Homer that isn't steeped in his usual idiocy and general boneheaded-ness. This is the only episode of the Simpsons that actually made me cry, from Homer's anguished "Then why did she leave me?" to the end, where Homer watches his mother drive away. The credits roll and he's sitting on the hood of his car looking at the star-lit sky. And then I lose it.

*** [Hyperion’s note: I just watched “Whacking Day” last night. It is truly a classic episode. Ten minutes in I started writing down all the great moments: “It’s always the children’s fault isn’t it;” “What’s a battle?” Ninja Homer; The Fundamentalist school kids shaking their fists; “They should call it ‘Johnny Deformed;” “It’s part of our oh-so-human nature”…(cue Evil Homer dancing over Good Homer’s grave singing, “I am Evil Homer…” “Do you want me to whack slow, or fast?” The fickle crowd after Quimby snaps: “Give us hell, Quimby!” and on and on. ]

Up next: more Simpsons!