Music Hybrids (Part 2)

And now we continue our look at the Musical Hybrid Acts I'd most like to see. Yesterday was 20-11, today it's the Top Ten, Baby

#10 Black Eyed Crows - Hey Baby, let me light your candles so they will turn into lumps of wax. My lovely Waxy Lumps.

#9 Motorloaf - I have no idea what they would sing, but I bet that bat gets outta Hell quick with a V-8 engine.







#8 Bobby Darin Duran - We're hungry like a wolf, but luckily Mac the Knife is nearby.

#7 Barry Whitesnake - Ain't gonna be nooo pussy left for the roadies, I tells ya.

#6 Backstreet Boyz II Men - I've heard one of these groups can actually sing, but I can't remember which.

#5 New Kids on the Block Sabbath - The only trouble brewing I can see is that it's 3 to 1 that Ozzy bites Joey's head off before the tour ends, but how can this be anything but a good thing?

#4 Jay-Z/DC - We're on the highway to Hell (so put yo' damn hands up)

#3 R Kelly Clarkson [Note: we regret to inform you that the joke Hyperion originally wrote has been removed because it was so filthy Redd Foxx came back to life just to have a heart-attack. Sorry for the inconvenience.]

#2 Hilary Duff Leppard - We've heard Duff's music described as sugary, but the spotted boys seem to like it that way. (Let's just hope she makes it through tour without too many Love Bites.)





and the number one music hybrid I'd like to see is....

#1 Celine Deyonce - Oh, you'd fuck her, but one of the two of you would have to die right after to avoid pillow talk. (And on that note, let's everybody sing a rousing chorus of "My Booty Will Go On!")

Music Hybrids

Years ago I predicted "fusion" or "hybrid" music as the next big thing. Of course (as usual), I was correct, as the music genres blended toward each other, with the biggest unifying sector being Hip-Hop (again, just as I predicted). Some even had the idea to do mash-ups, which I didn't actually think of but goes right along with my theories.

Anyway, the other day I got to thinking that it would be cool if we could literally mash musical groups together and see what kind of songs they'd come up with. For years I've longed for a Mariah Carey/Metallica World Tour, and I've have given a pretty penny to hear Frank Sinatra or Dean Martin sing Head Like a Hole.

But me being me, I had to get all clever, so instead of Mariah Carey and Metallica, I'd have something like Mariah Carey + Carrie Underwood = Mariah Carey Underwood. Lame, I know, but I bet you dollars to donuts you crack up at least four times.

Before we get to the Top 20 List, here are a few HMs:


HONORABLE MENTION
Desiree Charles
Tori Amos Def
Widespread Panic at the Disco
Alexisonearthwindandfire
Mamas and Papa Roach
Grand Master Flash Railroad
Mariah Carey Underwood
The WHOdini
Garth Brooks and Dunn
Sinead B.T.O. Connor

Hopefully you've caught on how this works by now, but if not, ask a "cooler" co-worker to explain it to you. (You see, If Tori Amos and Mos Def merged into one, they'd be Tori Amos Def.)

Anyway, here are the

Top 20 Musical Hybrids I'd like to See

#20 Three Snoop Dogg Night - Snoop looks like he'd fit right in, don't he?

#19 Blue Oyster Cult Jam (featuring Full Force) - I think I would be scared to go to this column, but I find "Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam (Featuring Full Force)" to be one of the funniest groups to even say, so how could I not pair them up?

#18 Spin Doctor Dre - When you mix the epitome of Cool with its complete antithesis, what do you get? (All I know is Little Miss better not be wrong, or she'll find a cap in her ass.)







#17 Patti Aerosmith - What can I say? Sometimes Love in an Elevator just ain't enough....

#16 RUN DMCCR - If only for the afterparty.....

#15 Alice Cooper in Chains - I been caught being hot for the Teacher once (when I was five).

#14 Two Live Motley Crew - One and One, we're havin' some fun (in the Makeup Room all day, and all of the night).

#12 Rolling Stone Temple Pilots - If you're half the man you used to be...(no wonder you can't get no satisfaction).

#11 Elton John Bon Jovi - "On a Rhinestone-studded steel horse I ride...."


Up Next: the Top Ten


[Special thanks to both my sisters for ideas]

7-Spot

The Hyperion Institute turns 7 today, and in honor of that auspicious event, I thought I would take a look at the 7 greatest things that come in 7s.





Honorable Mention:
7 DWARVES,
7 EROGENOUS SPOTS (ACCORDING TO MONICA GELLAR),
7 SISTERS,
7 AGES OF MAN,
7 SAMURAI/MAGNIFICENT 7,
7 CARD STUD,
7 HEAVENLY VIRTUES,
7 LAST THINGS JESUS SAID,
7 BIOLOGICAL TAXONOMY,
7 WORDS YOU CAN'T SAY ON TV

THE TOP SEVEN THINGS THAT HAVE TO DO WITH 7

#7 SEVEN WONDERS OF THE ANCIENT WORLD - In case you were wondering, they are: Great Pyramid of Giza, Hanging Gardens of Babylon, Statue of Zeus at Olympia, Temple of Artemis at Ephesus, Mausoleum of Halicarnassus, Colossus of Rhodes, Lighthouse of Alexandria. To see them all visit here.

#7 SEVEN NOTES OF THE MUSICAL SCALE - In case your hatred of Julie Andrews runs deep, they are Do, Re, Mi, Fa, So, La, & Ti.

#7 SEVEN COLORS OF THE OPTICAL/VISIBLE LIGHT SPECTRUM - This one is a bit of a misnomer. Isaac Newton was obsessed with the number seven, as any good genius is, and he wanted the number to match other 7s in his world. Theoretically there are as many colors as the human eye can deduce, but without Newton we wouldn't have ROYGBIV.

#7 Happy Numbers - Right now, if anyone reading this knows what a happy number is, I offer you a seat in the Institute Council sight unseen. Anyway, a Happy Number is one where the digits of the numbers square both square, those numbers are added up and the digits are squared, etc. until you get back to 1. 7 is the smallest Happy number (except for 1, which doesn't count). Here, let me show you:


7^2 = 49


4^2 + 9^2 = 16+81 = 97


9^2 + 7^2 = 81 + 49 = 130


1^2 + 3^2 + 0^2 = 1 + 9 + 0 = 10


1^2 + 0^2 = 1 + 0 = 1


See? Isn't that cool?

#7 SEVEN CONTINENTS - In case you're really dumb, they are Africa, Asia, North America, South America, Europe, Australia and Atlantis

#7 SEVEN DAYS OF THE WEEK - Do I need to list these? Wednesday is probably the best, if only because of whom it is named after. (Surely you recognize the pic?)


and the Number Seven thing having to do with 7....

#7 SEVEN DEADLY SINS - Too bad the Seven Heavenly Virtues only made Honorable Mention, but it's that kind of world. Count 'em down with me: Greed, Envy, Sloth, Wrath, Gluttony, Pride, and everybody's favorite....




See ya soon!

Don't Let Disney Make Your Daughter a Stripper

According to Chris Rock, if you are the parent of a girl your #1 job in raising her is to, "keep her off the stripper pole." And while I have heard the adage that every time a girl wraps around the pole for the first time an angel gets her wings (and then strips those wings off for sweaty dollar bills), Rock is right on this one.

But what can you do? Well, for starters there is the name. Names can be quite defining, and certain names just lend themselves to making your daughter more likely to be a stripper. For example: Baby Ethel? Probably not going to be a stripper. Baby She-Bitch? Better buy the industrial-sized tub of glitter.

Another thing I noticed recently is that Disney, that so-called wholesome entertertainer, has put out some movies with females dangerously named. Sure, in 2-D form they may only have to deal with neurotic lobsters and the occasional tale as old as time, but in the real world those girls would have sore backs and calves every single night.

The following is a list of Disney Names you ought to forgo when branding your daughter, to keep her off the pole:

THE TOP TEN DISNEY NAMES YOU SHOULD AVOID IF YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR DAUGHTER FROM BEING A STRIPPER

(That is one big pussy)

#10 Jasmine - The only exception is Indian girls, because no Indian father is going to put up with his daugther on the pole, not when there's a 7-11 to run!

#9 Cinderella - Four words to make the fetishists drool: high heeled glass slippers

(Insert your best "stretch" joke here)

#8 Elastic Girl - On the plus side, when she wrapped herself around the pole, she could literally wrap herself around the pole!

(Is that a hunch in your shirt, or are you just happy to see me?)

#7 Esmerelda - You can totally see her working the ugly guys for every last cent they have

#6 Sleeping Beauty/Briar Rose - Time to pluck some petals...(Sorry, that joke was lame, but if I kept the other one in there you'd all riot)

(Just the right size to fit in your pocket)

#5 Tinkerbell - A flying stripper? Suddenly the lapdance JUST GOT INTERESTING!

(It gets worse: Angela Lansbury's her pimp)

#4 Belle -You name a girl Belle, and if she don't turn out to be a Stripper, she'll at least marry her cousin (or family pet).

(Think of a certain bodily fluid and then think of the most famous song in this movie. Go ahead: I'll wait.)

#3 Ariel - On the one hand, the "mer" aspect does add a level to the striptease, but c'mon: are you going to risk her father showing up at the club and jamming a trident up your ass?

("Some day, my Prince will come....")

#2 Snow White - After she gets to know management, maybe she'll get the dwarves jobs over at Chippendales!

and the Number One Disney name to avoid...

(I believe this is called "presenting")

#1 Bambi - Name your girl this, and you might as well put a pole in her crib. Speaking of which, I seem to recall Bambi having a friend. Now THAT'S a name that poses no risk whatsoever.

(Thump her? I hardly know her!)

Probably Safe: Ursula, Meliificent, Cruella, Pochahontas (unless she goes by "Poke Her Hot Ass")


Now you know what they'd be like as strippers. But what would they be like in bed? Last year I took the character traits of the Disney Ladies and came up with a few theories. If you're still game after this list, head on over to Hyperion-X and see what Disney Girls are like beneath the sheets.