See ya!

I am going on vacation for a while. If you're new to this site, there are 30 ranking lists to look through. Have at it. If you're a regular, chill for a bit. I'll be back.

But for now the Top Ten things I will be doing on Vacation


#10 Studiously avoiding the telephone - I hate the telephone. I don't understand why I have to answer it. So I'm not going to.

#9 Catch up on Spring TV - Yes, I'm THAT behind. I quit watching most TV in March or April and started taping things for when I would be less busy. When is that supposed to happen? Screw it, I'm plugging back in with Wisteria Lane and the the Bait Shop.

#8 Answering every letter in my InBox - Why would a guy on vacation do this, you ask? Two reasons. One, hate seeing hundreds of emails every time I log on. Two, you cannot imagine the number of stupid ill-thought out letters I get. For the most part I try to be diplomatic and user-friendly. Forget that. I'm going on the warpath.

#7 Re-reading Harry Potter and The Wheel of Time - I can't think of anything better than this, no matter how long it takes, so by gar I'm gonna.

#6 Preparing witty insults for al the morons I encounter each day - I am so tired of worrying if people like me. I don't like them. Why should I care if they like me? I'm not looking for trouble, but if people want to bring it, I'm ready. (Are you sensing a theme here?)

#5 Graitch - 'nuff said. Don't have enough money for beef jerky, but I can and will have graitch.

#4 Get involved in at least one hare-brained adventure - I want to start my first column in September with the words "So there I was naked, armed only with a bull whip, facing an entire gang of Russian Mafia...."

#3 Relaunch HyperionX - It is time to burn the Internet to the ground, baby.

#2 Break the record for consumption in at least three restaurants - you're just lucky I don't drink.

and the number one thing I will be doing on my vacation...

#1 Turning 10

Up next: Check back in September

'80s Cartoons (All)

In the ‘80s, boys properly hated girls as cootie-infested monsters and girls, well, who knows what they were thinking. The battle of the sexes was fierce, constant and without quarter.

However, there was one area of détente, where boys and girls could come together: cartoons. What follows are the worst and best of the decade.

Worst: Obviously the SNORKS go without mentioning. I have not seen a bigger rip off since HOME ALONE 2. Even the freaking voices were the same. And also, THE GUMMI BEARS. This was a loathsome show, with a terrible theme-song, that made fun of the portly. (They were so mean to Tubby Gummi. Grrr.)

Now the best.

#6 DUCK TALES – “Life is like a hurricane…here in, Duckburg…” You have to hand it to Disney. They took what could be a crass attempt to cash in on the Donald Duck legend and turned it into solid gold. Scrooge was fascinating, the nephews were fun, and did somebody say Dark Wing?

#5 SHIRT TALES – Okay, get this: miniature versions of a tiger, panda, orangutan, some sort of mole (I’m going from memory) and a raccoon all lived inside a tree in the middle of the park. How cool is that? But it gets better. The Shirt Tales spent their time fighting crime to keep harmony between the animals and the humans, and even had little cars and little airplanes. I wish I was a Shirt Tale.

#4 TALE SPIN – Featuring Baloo the bear (and the woman who loved him) and her little one Kit Cloudkicker. Sounds like an Indian Ninja. The deal is that Becky ran a business making deliveries by cargo plane, but there are bad guys trying to stop them. Get this: Shere Khan is a business tiger now! I saw an episode recently and TALE SPIN surprisingly holds up pretty well. Wouldn’t mind having the DVD. (And if you’re really interested one of my readers runs a Fan Fiction website you can find here.)

#3 CARE BEARS – Before they ruined it with those stupid non-bear animals the Care Bears ruled. Care-A-Lot just seemed like a swinging place, you know? Their little cars were cool, the girls were hot, and even though nobody got killed, this was a great show. Animation was great too.

#2 TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES. Possibly the greatest theme song of any cartoon in history. I know that’s a bold statement, but can you think of any better? The Turtles came out of a very dark comic from the ‘80s I collected, and when they made their transition to TV all cute and cuddly I initially thought I would hate them. But they simply won me over. Leonardo was my favorite, although who couldn’t vibe on Michelangelo’s surfer dude? The new version just sucks and worst yet: they changed the theme song!!! Here’s the best praise I can give: this is a boys’ cartoon and yet girls loved it. That has to tell you something.

And the number one cartoon for both boys and girls….

#1 SMURFS – There can’t possibly be an argument here (except for those people who think the Smurfs are evil and devil-worship, and let’s not even get started on those whack-jobs). The Smurfs symbolized everything right with the world. They got along well with each other. They were helpful, even Brainy when he had to be, they all listened to their wise leader, Papa. They all shared Smurfette…Okay, that one was a joke. Aside from the glaring inconsistency of how Papa begot all those smurflings without any chicks (remember: Smurfette was a creation of Gargamel), the Smurfs were perfect. They even had great idioms, using “Smurf” for everything! Makes you want to say “La La La La la la, la La la la La.”

Up next: the most special list yet.

'80s Cartoons (Boys)

Today we continue our look at the best decade for cartoons, the ‘80s, by examining the top guys’ cartoons from that decade:

Worst: There were a lot of bad boys’ cartoons from the ‘80s, but two really come to mind: the GOBOTS were the worst of TV rip-offs. In every way imaginable, they paled in comparison to their cartoon cousins. I’m not talking about I DREAM OF JEANNIE vs. BEWITCHED, or CHICAGO HOPE vs. E.R., where one show was superior, but the other was good. No, the GOBOTS just sucked. Also on this list I would put GHOSTBUSTERS, only because this could have been a really great cartoon, but instead it turned out so boring and average. I mean, seriously: I can remember watching the PUNKY BREWSTER cartoon on a competing network when it was on at the same time as GHOSTBUSTERS. That’s bad. Now the best:

#3 HE-MAN – I can still vividly remember the day we tuned in FOX (then a UHF channel) by putting the TV in a different corner of the basement and messing with the rabbit ears. (Those of you under 20, ask your older siblings or parents about rabbit ears). After ten minutes of fiddling, there is was, scratch sound and snowy picture, but HE-MAN. I don’t think I could have been happier if you’d made me an actual Master of the Universe. He-Man was already huge because of the action figures. (This itself is another story, involving betrayal and my brother, but another time.) By the time they figured out to make a TV show, kids were psyched. It turned out the cartoon was not as dark as the little comics that would come with each figure or accessory (like the ultra-cool Castle Greyskull), but then again, it was TV. One thing they did was add a Clark Kent persona to He-Man, a wuss named Adam. Battle Cat had to have one too, the biggest pussy (cat) in the universe: Cringer. However, the true genius was adding Orko, this little magician thingy from another planet who was a bigger coward than Cringer. Orko brought much needed comic relief to afternoon TV. Good Times. (Interestingly, of the remakes that have come out lately, the new HE-MAN and of course JUSTICE LEAGUE are in my opinion the only ones worth watching.)

#2 TRANSFORMERS – He came to Earth to save mankind. He was despised and rejected by men, but he never forsook them as he battled the powerful enemy. Has there EVER been a more noble, good-hearted “I’d follow him into the gates of Hell” leader than Optimus Prime? Everything about the TRANSFORMERS ruled. Yes, in a way they just took the concept of VOLTRON and extended it, but in such a cool way. TRANSFORMERS wouldn’t have worked without those great personalities. Along with Optimus Prime were such greats as Jazz, Beachcomber and Hot Rod, and along with the hated Megatron was the cool Shockwave, Octane, and the most deserving cartoon of his own talk show (with the exception of Cobra Commander); Starscream. These were the heroes of old; robots of renown.

And the number one guys’ cartoon…..

#1 G.I. JOE – I know there’s a lot of love out there for Transformers and others, but this isn’t even arguable. G.I. Joe redefined cool like nothing else in the decade, except for maybe Hulk Hogan. You think about that. First of all you had great guys to cheer for. Duke, Flint, Lady Jay, Scarlett, Gung Ho, Roadblock, Shipwreck, and let’s not forget Stormshadow; the most enigmatic and morally conflicted good guy of the entire decade. But just as important (and perhaps more so), you had colorful wonderful eminently watchable bad guys. You had a supremely cool Day-to-Day Commander in Destro. You had Zartan, the Dreadnoks, Dr. Mindbender, the Baroness, the twins, and through it all, the craziest most entertaining guy you could ask for in a villain: Cobra Commander; part Hitler, part Stewie on FAMILY GUY. Now you know, and knowing’s half the battle.

Up next: best cartoons that both genders could watch (even though girls still had cooties then)

'80s Cartoons (Girls)

I think there are three things we can all safely agree on: grape popsicles are clearly the best, when a woman wants to be mad at you there’s nothing stopping her; no matter how crazy or tenuous her logic is, and the ‘80s were the definitive decade for cartoons.

I know some people will claim that title should go to the ‘70s; and I like to call these people “habitual drug users.” The ‘70s were simply too cheesy and self-referential, cartoon-wise, to be great. The defining cartoon of the entire decade was SCOOBY DOO, a parody of old detective shows, and filled with more illicit sex and drug references than an SNL skit. I’m not saying there isn’t a place for post-modern self-aware cartoons, but when you break down the fourth wall, all you’re serving to remind people is how real the story isn’t.

And the ‘90s…don’t get me started. Morning and afternoon cartoons have completely been co-opted by large corporations. The majority of cartoons seemed to serve basically one function: push whatever toy was soon to come out. Grrr.

No; the ‘80s were it for Cartoons. First of all you had the holiness of Kids’ Sabbath: Saturday mornings. After a hard week at school, there was no day a kid looked forward to more than Saturday morning, when getting up was actually fun, and cartoons ruled until 11:00 (when ABC would run that Children’s Story Hour, which was sometimes good, but most often not). A few years into the decade the afternoons became Cartoon Destinations, and yes, many of the cartoons had product tie-ins, but the cartoons existed independently too: it wasn’t so crass and commercial. (Or at least: I didn’t notice it.)

The only problem was the the ‘80s were mighty segregated when it came to cartoons. There were three types: those solely for girls, those solely for boys, and those that everyone could watch without feeling queeny. In tribute to this Animation Triad, I have the top Girls’, Boys’, and Mixed Cartoons of that glorious decade: the ‘80s.

GIRLS

Worst: MY LITTLE PONY and MUPPET BABIES. MLP was an abomination, clearly written by actual ponies. The stories insulted girls’ intelligence. Seriously, if I had been a girl, this would have caused a major revolt. Obviously I didn’t collect MLP, but quite a few girls did, and they deserved better. As for MUPPET BABIES, I only have one thing to say: when they decided not to have Baby Stadler and Baby Waldorf, they made a life-long enemy in Hyperion. .Loathsome show.

#3 SHE-RA - Obviously a knock off of HE-MAN, but they did a pretty decent job of it. Remember; this was all pre-Buffy and Girl Power, so She-Ra was a good thing for girls.

#2 JEM – Barbie meets Pat Benetar. By day she was a business woman (or something), but by night she was the lead singer in the Jem and the Holograms! Several readers have pointed out that sometimes-contributed Jerrica is the same name Jem took when in her “normal” character, and asked if it’s the same girl. Yes, yes it is.

And the #1 Girls’ Cartoon of the ‘80s…..

#1 Rainbow Brite – I used to make fun of my brother Achmed for watching this, but the truth was, Rainbow Brite was a pretty good show. If it hadn’t been about…you know…dolls, I think I’d have been a regular too. The animation was decent for the time, and most importantly, some major talent was writing the stories. As I recall, Rainbow Brite’s job was to protect color. How cool is that? With the possible exception of protecting the Childlike Empress, can there be a better gig? I thought not.

Next up: Boys’ cartoons

Bad Ideas when pulled over

I'm not sure what made me decide to post this one, originally from one of my very first columns (#3 "I think I saw some doughnuts about a mile back...") Maybe I'm just lazy and don't want to do a list. I'm supposed to be on vacation people. (Which reminds me: if you want to do a guest list, now is the time, because once my vacation is over I'm back on the horse!)

Anyway, here are

THE TOP 13 THINGS NOT TO SAY WHEN PULLED OVER BY A COP

13. "I just saw a couple of your friends. One was going to Market and two were fighting over roast beef. Shouldn't you be going home?"

12. "How many bribes am I going to have to pay tonight?"

11. "I'll have a cheeseburger, large fries and a chocolate milkshake."

10. "I didn't know she was your daughter."

9. "...And I really didn't know the other woman was your wife."

8. "I've got a body thawing in the trunk so I'm kind of pressured for time, here."

7. "Read my lips: No more blowjobs!"

6. "Did you hear the one about the cop who pulls a guy over in and gets his head chopped off?"

5. "Sorry to hear about what happened to your family.......tomorrow." (Best with red contact lenses)

4. "Soouuueeeeeeeeey!!!!"

3. "Shouldn't you be racial profiling?"

2. "I'd kick your ass but I'm afraid your mom would break up with me."

and the number one thing not to say when pulled over....

#1. "Give me a break; I've been drinking."