Actual Scary TV characters

Last week Ajax submitted a column on scary-but-not-scary TV characters. I thought I would respond to that with a list of actual scary TV characters through out the ages. I see that someone already did a list, but my list is way better. They only got three out of ten right!

THE TOP TEN ACTUALLY SCARY TV CHARACTERS

#10 T-Bag (PRISON BREAK) – The only reason he’s at 10 is because the show is so new. A another season and this guy might crack the Top 5. When has a little white dude ever been that powerful in prison? Perhaps the scariest thing about T-Bag is how they make a child-rapist murderer into a compelling character.

#9 Dr. Claw (INSPECTOR GADGET) – This dude’s voice used to scare the tar out of me. Thank God Gadget had Brain and Penny to bail him out. [Aside: why can’t they bring Dr. Claw back, if only for other shows?]

#8 Mimi (THE DREW CAREY SHOW) – She was the major reason why I don’t watch Drew Carey. She reminded me of some unfunny rabid cannibal clown, and not in a good way.

#7 Emily (GILMORE GIRLS) – I would HATE to have a grandmother this negative and controlling. (Must resist obvious joke just in case my mother sees this strip.) Seriously, my grandparents are fairly normal. Emily is just in another world. I hate manipulative people. (Now find me two new readers this week or it means you don’t love me.)

#6 Patty/Selma (THE SIMPSONS) – Forget Mr. Burns, these two tubs of fun are the real horrors. Forget the sexual ambiguity, they just creep me out. I mean, who doesn’t like Homer?

#5 Sloane (ALIAS) – The closest thing to Dick Cheney on Television. Sloane would tell you he’s doing it for God and country, and then kill your family. Don’t get me wrong: I’m displeased that Sloane has power, as he CLEARLY knows how to get the job done, but boy is he scary.

#4 Harriet (SMALL WONDER) – No, not our Harriet (although she’s scary enough). The show was about this guy who makes a robotic daughter named Vicki, who didn’t have human emotion. The show was bad/scary enough, but there was this next-door neighbor, Harriet, who loved the robot’s human brother Jamie, and would do anything to win him over. I remember be so frightened of her, and thought all girls were like that. Then I grew up (and they’re worse!)

#3 Lois (MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE) – Is anyone else scared to death by her? She never stops yelling! That kind of abuse is only tolerated in a football coach, right?

#2 The Entire cast of OZ – Who isn’t scared of these dudes? Before he went straight on LAW & ORDER Chris Keller was terrifying her. Vern? I love the actor, but this character gave me chills. Adebisi? Shudder. Even Sister Marie and Father Ray were nefarious. Heck, even the cripple Augustus got so messed up that he turned into a deadbeat dad over on LOST!

and the number one actual scary TV character is…..

#1 Sun Baby (TELETUBBIES) – My friend Brandy was the first to alert me to how awful that Sun Baby was. And believe me, to stand out as scary on this show, it takes a special effort. The show is just plain weird! Has anyone else ever seen a few minutes of the seemingly nonsensical mewling from the Teletubbies and wondered if there’s some sort of mind control going on, a la YVAN EHT NIOJ? I definitely think it’s possible And if there is mind control, the baby pulling the strings has to be in that Sun. I’d keep my eye on him if I were you.

UP NEXT: Special Halloween Edition.