1970s Oscar-Nominated Songs

I don't know how I got onto it (I'm sure there was a reason), but somehow I found myself looking at Oscar nominations for Best Original Songs; from the 1970s, of all things!  I ended up listening to all the songs a bunch of times, and ranked the best.  Enjoy.

The Best 1970s Oscar-Nominated Songs

#666  "Ave Satani" (THE OMEN, 1976) - Dark and Gothic, this music sets the perfect tone for the film, and somehow turns a movie about Satan's son from farce to really creepy.

#`20 "Theme from Shaft" (SHAFT, Won for 1971 ) - Before he was Chef, Isaac Hayes put himself on the map with this funky testament to Utterly Cool.

#18 "The Morning After" (THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, Won for 1972) - Why have I never heard of Maureen McGovern before compiling this list? She had 3 songs nominated in the decade!

#18 "Blazing Saddles" (BLAZING SADDLES, 1974) - Dude, not only was his name Bart, he conquered Fear AND he conquered Hate. Whoa!

#17 "The Last Time I Felt Like This" (SAME TIME NEXT YEAR, 1978) - Otherwise known as "the movie that single-handidly killed Alan Alda's film career."

#16 "Last Dance" (THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY, Won for 1978) -I was talked into this entry at the last minute on the strength of how important it is to the film. You owe me, Donna Sumner!

#15 "Through the Eyes of Love" (ICE CASTLES, 1979) - For some reason I always get ICE CASTLES and ICE PIRATES confused. I think what I'm trying to say is that the world is crying out for a movie about ice-skating pirates. DON'T EVEN PRETEND YOU WOULDN'T WATCH!. (By the way, not only the song but the entire movie is a panty-dropper, fellas. Even a hard-core goth chick can't resist the combination of of ice-skating and Robbie Benson. You're welcome.)

#14 "Ready to Take a Chance Again" (FOUL PLAY, 1978) - Barry Manilow sang this Romantic ballad for a movie starring Chevy Chase. Feel the testosterone! Is it any wonder co-star Goldie Hawn hooked up with uber-stud Kurt Russell not long after? 

[NOTE: if you look at this list, you'll notice I only have 4 of the 10 Best Original Song winners from 1970-1979. This is because I looked at the 50 nominated songs was a set without regards to who won. I listened to every song at least twice, and the ones who made the list usually 4-5 times, to get my order right. You may not agree with me, but I thought about it a lot. As for Barbara Streisand's two winning songs not included - they suck.  Yes, I'm a longtime Streisand hater, but you put personal feelings aside for Official Lists. I acknowledge she can sing, but those two songs - "The Way We Were" and "Evergreen" - I'm sorry, but they are terrible.  The only way I can figure they were nominated and won was because of Streisand's star power. Okay, enough banality - back to the List.]

#13 "Nobody Does It Better" (THE SPY WHO LOVED ME, 1977) - How can you not love a movie that gave us Jaws? Carly Simon, who's more Cher than Cher ever was, is sensational here.

[Since when am ever going to talk about Carly Simon again? - I wanted to point out something: last week it was revealed that the subject of "You're So Vain" was NOT Warren Beatty, Mick Jagger, Kris Krisopherson, David Bowie, David Cassidy, Cat Stevens, James Taylor or any of many other possibles, but of all (questionably herterosexual people) David Geffen, supposedly because (ironically) Simon was jealous of the attention the record mogul lavished on Joni Mitchell. Carly denies this, but it does not change my point: "You're So Vain" is now over 37 years old, and in all that time there continues to be a never-ending supply of plausible candidates. I'm not trying to cast aspersions here, but Miss Simon really enjoyed living her life, n'est pas?  Okay, back to the list.]

#12 "Theme From Mahogany (Do You Know Where You're Going To)" (MAHOGANY, 1975) - Diana Ross is a poor black girl who becomes a successful Rome Fashion Designer. Essentially the same movie as DANCES WITH WOLVES.

#11 "Strange Are the Ways of Love" (THE STEPMOTHER, 1972) - I can discover virtually nothing about this movie other than a thin plotline from IMDB: "As part of a blackmail plot, a woman is forced to seduce her new husband's son. Complications, including murder, ensue." That's the best description of incest and murder I've ever heard: Complications ensue. Nobody could have seen that coming! 

(Has anyone watched tihs movie? The song is haunting, but I just found out Larry Linville is in it. Ensuing complications AND Major Frank Burns?  I have to see it now.)

#10 "Whistling Away the Dark" (DARLING LILI, 1970) - Let no one say I do not give Julie Andrews her due. She's surprisingly effective as "sultry," and when she twirls around she almost went from beautiful to sexy. Almost. 

#9 "Ben" (BEN, 1972) - The song firmly established Michael Jackson as a solo artist, and while at first glance the lyrics seem genial enough (about friendship), things take a slight detour when you learn that BEN is a horror movie (a sequel, no less!) about a boy and his killer rat.  

(Side note: the song was initially written for Donny Osmond, who wasn't able to record it. I can't think of two artists more qualified to sing a sappy ballad about a boy's love of his pet rat.)

#8 "Live and Let Die" (LIVE AND LET DIE, 1973) - Someone get ready to give Jeff Henderson smelling salts, but I think the Guns 'N' Roses version is better than Wings'. The song reunited McCartney with long-time Beatles producer George Martin, who later said working with Paul inspired him to create Joffrey Baratheon. 

(Maybe 6 people in the world got that joke, but those who did undoubtedly pissed themselves. Don't you feel left out of the pee-fest? No? Fine, let's just move on.)

#7 "Hopelessly Devoted to You" (GREASE, 1978) - This song is great from an irony standpoint, but how does it get nominated over "Summer Nights," a culturally iconic song that happens to feature one of the most concise and profound "Anthropological Biological Determinism" (Anthrobiominism) treatises of our time.

(What, pray tell, am I talking about? Fine, since you asked nicely. Here's the lyric: [Everyone] "Uh Well-a well-a well-a huh....[Guys] Tell me more, tell me more...Did you get very far? [Girls] Tell me more, tell me more...Like, does he have a car?"  Fifty thousand years of human development summed up in 11 words. BEAT THAT!)

#6 "You Light Up My Life" (YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE, Won for 1977) - The movie version was sung by Ukranian sensation Kasey Cisyk and not Debbie Boone (who won a Grammy for it the same year). The Oscar, however, goes to the songwriter, in this case the Director of the movie, Joseph Brooks, who is (I swear I'm not making this up) currently awaiting trial on 91 counts of rape and sexual abuse. 

(Allegedly Brooks lured women to his house to audition for movie roles, what's known in the business as "Casting Couch" situations. If you think I haven't spent the last 20 minutes trying to come up with a "You Light Up My Life" joke here, you don't know me very well.)

#5 "Love" (ROBIN HOOD, 1973) - Okay, this song is probably 8 spots too high, but in part my ranking comes from what SHOULD have been nominated from THE most underrated Disney movie - that is to say, "Not in Nottingham," or at the very least "Oo de Lally" or "The Phony King of England."

(By the way, if you've ever wanted to hear "Not in Nottingham" in Swedish - and you know you have - here it is. Think of a Depressed Swedish Chef in place of the normal Rooster voice.)

#4 "I'm Easy" (NASHVILLE, Won for 1975) - If ALMOST PERFECT is the most underrated movie of the 2000s, NASHVILLE is possibly the best movie about music ever, and certainly the best American movie you have never seen. "I'm Easy" was written and sung by Keith Carradine, who later on would play Wild Bill Hickok in Deadwood and kicked ass as an FBI agent on Dexter as well.  That's three moments of greatness better than most will ever touch.)

[Hard to say whether it passes brother David Carradine, who got to have explicit sex with Barbara Hershey in Martin Scorsese's exploitation flick BOXCAR BERTHA, should have won an Oscar as the titular hippie-gangster in Tarantino's KILL BILL, and of course the legend that was Kane in Kung Fu. David still gets the nod, but what an underrated family, right? By the way, not for nothing, but I don't believe for a minute that David killed himself in Thailand. You can't tell me it wasn't one of his Kung Fu enemies. (Actually, more likely 20 of them, to take down Kane.) For that matter, does Uma Thurman have an alibi?]

#3 "Gonna Fly Now" (ROCKY, 1976) - One of the Top Ten movie anthems ever, maybe Top Five. Clearly the track that should have been nominated, but seeing as how the 1976 winner was the excreable "Evergreen," I wish they also would have nominated "Take You Back" or "You Take My Heart Away," both from ROCKY. Listen to that theme; don't you want to eat a raw egg and go jog around Philly?  Me too!

#2 "For All We Know" (LOVERS AND OTHER STRANGERS, Won for 1970) - If your life depended on it, AND YOU ONLY HAD 30 SECONDS TO THINK ABOUT IT, give me your Mount Rushmore of BEST Female pop voices. I'm sure ten minutes from now I will be kicking myself, but based on my gun-to-your-head criteria, I will take Joni Mitchell, Whitney, Mariah, and Karen Carpenter. Sorry Norah, Aretha, Beyonce, Alanis, and Dusty: that's my Mount Rushmore.  Wait. does jazz count as pop?  Billie!!!!!!  Acccccch!  Okay, scratch that. Drop....Damn.  Um, let's come back to that another time or else I will spend the next 23 days paralyzed; trying to come up with an answer. 

and the number one Song nominated for an Oscar in the 1970s is.....

#1 "The Rainbow Connection" (THE MUPPET MOVIE, 1979) - Arguably the greatest movie song of all time. Sheer perfection. What else is there to say? 

Who said that every wish

Would be heard and answered

When wished on the morning star?

Somebody thought of that

And someone believed it

And look what it's done so far.

Hyperion

March 5, 2010

Endnotes 
Before you ask - songs from previously recorded material are ineligible. That's why "Sunrise, Sunset" wasn't nominated, Mom, so quit bugging me. 


I collected all 21 of my choices on YouTube - you can listen to the entire songlist here. 

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Leonardo (the actor, not the Turtle)

In honor of the new Horror/Thriller Shutter Island coming out today I thought I would do a Top Ten List of Martin Scorsese pictures.  Then I realized that three years ago I already made one. So, I decided to make a the list of best Leonardo DiCaprio movies instead.(Judging the movie, not the performance, which would be a different list.)

Leo's had an interesting career.¹  After some early TV work as a kid (including the infamous Growing Pains role), DiCaprio came to prominence with an unexpected Oscar nomination as a retarded boy in What's Eating Gilbert Grape? Then it was teen angst films, until a little something I like to call Titanic came around, and Leo-Mania ensued.

The Leo backlash was predictable and intense, fueled mostly - I believe - by the fact that so many (myself included) were DEEPLY uncomfortable holding any allegiance or admiration to someone worshiped by white girls everywhere.  Leo kept plugging away, and upon finding Scorsese for their first (of 4 so far with #5 in the works) collaboration Gangs of New York.

From that point Leo's star started to rise steadily again. More Award nominations, Box-Office Muscle, and respect of peers and the general public until you got to 2006, when it became clear - even if still painful to admit - that any serious discussion of Best Actors Under 40 simply HAD to include Leo in the Top 5, if not at the apex. (I've done this list before, informally, but it's out of date; someone remind me - we WILL do it again.²)

Leo had arrived, and it was cool to like him again.³

¹ Leo's career path reminds me of Justin Timberlake. Initially N*SYNC was the best of the "boy bands," and you'd even bob your head in the car to "Bye Bye Bye" (or if no one was looking, do that puppet-dance thing). But actually LIKE N*SYNC? Not if you were a guy, or a girl over 22. When Timberlake hooked up with Britney it seemed all over. But then they broke up, he wrote the scathing "Cry Me a River," unabashedly emulated MJ's sound, produced some pretty decent pop songs, and started banging every smoking hot chick he could find. He even killed as a SNL Host. Suddenly it was far more acceptable to be a Timberlake fan. Uh, not that I am. No, not at all....

² Both Matt Damon and Jon Hamm will fall from the Under-40 ranks in a few months, so the impetus is on. Thank the Light, we've still got some time for Freddie Prinze Jr.

³ ...Although maybe not by everyone. A couple weeks ago I was talking to a friend of mine about her upcoming baby. She named him Leonardo DaVinci ____, to help inspire the child to greatness.  The middle name was necessary, she claimed, "so the world will never be confused who he was really named after."  I was too scared to ask whether her fear was that people would think her son was named after DiCaprio, or the Ninja Turtle. Personally I would be fine with the Teenage Terrapin being the namesake. After all, Leonardo did lead. You'd want to avoid Raphael, who was cool, but, if my sources can be believed, quite crude.

Below is the list of Leo's Top Ten Films. Here is his IMDB Page, in case you want to grouse over what I missed. True, I haven't seen a few of them (covered below⁴), but I did the best I could. If Shutter Island or any of the other  30 projects he's got in development end up any good, we can update the list later on.

THE TOP TEN LEONARDO DICAPRIO MOVIES

#10  Marvin's Room -  I saw this movie 14 years ago and my main memory is thinking (then) that young Leo could handle himself on screen with the likes of Meryl Streep and Diane Keaton. Sign of great things to come.

#9  The Man in the Iron Mask  -  Iron Mask came out in March of '98, when Titanic was still ruling the Box-Office, had plundered the Oscars, and Leo Mania was in full-bloom. I took my sisters to see it, me wanting to introduce them to a famous literary work, them for....well, they were young. Anyway, at one point a naked male butt appeared on screen and my youngest sister - already at the breaking point with her love for all things Leo - let out a scream like a banshee at a Def Leppard concert. To this day I don't know what embarrasses her more: that she screamed out in a theater like that, or that she did so at the sight of Gerard Depardieu's bulbous pock-marked ass. (I'd link to visual proof, but some things simply cannot be unseen.)

 #8  Blood Diamond -  Intellectually I was kinda annoyed at how one-dimensional they made a very complex issue, though I enjoyed the movie for all that.  Then again, it's probably the only way to get most people to even pay attention, so hard to complain. I will say that DiCaprio NAILS the Rhodesia accent, which is much tougher than you might expect. (And not for nothing, but Djimon Hounsou absolutely goes in my "Top Ten List of Actors who would be considered Crowe or Penn-level Good if only they were White." Someone remind me, and I'll do the actual Top Ten next week.)

#7  Celebrity -   An overlooked Woody Allen gem, DiCaprio riffed on his then-image by playing the bad-boy actor known for banging models and trashing hotel rooms. The site of Kenneth Branagh (basically channeling the Woody persona) in bed in an accidental foursome with Leo was priceless. (Re-watching this movie with what we know now, it's amazing we didn't see Charlize Theron's potential greatness sooner. She is Ta-Dow!)

#6  Catch Me If You Can -  Spielberg doesn't get enough credit for how wonderfully he captured the jet-set glamor of Flight in the 1960s. Even I remember when pilots were seen as heroes. DiCaprio is wonderful here, never a false moment of a genius kid pretending to be an adult - but painfully aware he's clomping around in his dad's shoes. Christopher Walken earned a deserved Oscar nomination, Tom Hanks was quietly brilliant, and Amy Adams foreshadowed her ascension.

#5  The Aviator - This film is so perfectly made I should be over the moon with it. I do enjoy it, but maybe Hughes is a hard subject to warm up to. Cate Blanchett won an Oscar and Kate Beckinsale (and even Gwen Stefani!) are pitch-perfect, but Leo holds every scene together. The 2002 double-bill of great performances (along with Catch Me) put Leo back in firm A-List Icon status, but it was this performance, full of Hughes's charm and bravado but also his crippling OCD, that made me realize we were looking at someone who aspired to - and may hit - the Pantheon.

#3 (tie) Gangs of New York  and  The Departed - I could rank these two films five different times and switch position every one of them. I noticed in my Scorsese ranking that I had Departed ahead, but I'd just seen it.  Gangs has more flaws, but is also more epic in scope, and while Jack's performance in Departed diminishes a bit with repeated viewings, Daniel Day-Lewis's Bill the Butcher only gets better.  (Damon was great, too, but DiCaprio shown. I know some will disagree, but for my money, Departed definitively showed that Leo is the better actor, or at least has the higher ceiling, and greater range.)

  

#2  William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet  -   I went back and forth on my top two more than a few times wanting to make this #1. Ultimately I realized I was A) picking my favorite of Leo's films over what is the best and B) unconsciously afraid of the backlash. Afraid? Me? Bring it on. But we'll get to that. In its own right, R+J is one of the most underrated movies of the '90s, a film that at the time was crushed by critics. They were just scared, seeing true Visionary Art as avant garde pretentiousness. They were wrong. I cannot tell you how great this movie is. The film is by Baz Luhrmann, who went on to make Moulin Rouge! next. (I suppose I either just made my case in one sentence, or turned you off from R+J forever. I'll live with that.) Luhrmann uses Shakespeare's dialogue from the play, which had been done before (some time check out Ian McKellan's terrific Richard III), but never quite like this. It sounds so hokey, but the key decision (in my opinion) was to change the gun names from Beretta and Colt to Dagger and Long-Sword. (And don't even get me started on the Fishtank/Des'ree scene.  MAGIC.) Exquisitely matching soundtrack to film in a way that put Luhrmann on the Mount Rushmore⁵ of Directors who know how to use Source Music,⁶ Romeo + Juliet is a kaleidoscope of wonder, heart-thumping romance, and simmering lust. One of the most romantic movies of all time.⁷  There. I said it. Deal.

And the #1 Leonardo DiCaprio movie ever (so far) is......

#1  Titanic -   I can already feel the hate-mail brewing, and all I have to say is, it's time to come out of the closet, people. Look, I get it. The teenage girl/Leo thing was ridiculous, and it made even the most heterosexual man feel very uncomfortable. And the movie was such a Cultural Flag, you couldn't not talk about it in the spring of '98. Our society being what it is, it was only natural that wave after wave of protest would lap at the hull of Titanic's popularity. (I just realized that with a little moxie I could make 10 more groaningly bad boat puns before I'm done, and since the next end-note already subjects you to my oddball sense of humor, I promise to stop now. You owe me.) 

Titanic was everywhere. James Cameron was everywhere. Jack and Rose were everywhere. Leo Mania was everywhere. THAT DAMNED SONG was everywhere, and along with it, Celine Dion became a permanent fixture in our lives for the next decade. It was all too much. I get it. I really do. But that does not change the fact that Titanic was one helluva great movie. Disaster movies are tough to pull off.  They usually fail. Ship movies are tough to pull off.  Cheesy Romances are tough as nails to pull off. You put all three together? James Cameron had to make us simultaneously believe the boat was actually sinking, that 2000 people were in danger of dying, care about them, freeze right along with them, all while caring about the fate of two random people who really didn't know much about anything. AND HE DID IT! We've come to recognize Kate Winslet as one of the best actresses alive. Avatar forced us to acknowledge Cameron is worth the hype: he really is the King of this world, and possibly others. We've even forgiven and come around on Leo; hence this list. But many people haven't forgiven Titanic. You know why? Besides all the reasons I mentioned, you loved Titanic initially. You did. You were swept up, maybe you even cried a little. Then you felt like part of the maddening crowd when you realized every other person on the planet had a similar experience. So you rebelled. You pretended you never liked it. You trashed the actors, the director, the dialogue - anything you could. But you know and I know that deep down inside you - your heart will go on.  And that's okay. Put your arms out and soar, baby: I won't let you fall.

Hyperion

February 19, 2010

⁴ Leo Movies I have not seen - Haven't yet traveled with Kate and Leo in Revolutionary Road, but no one has been falling all over themselves with praise. This writer's eyes haven't seen Leo's first real movie, This Boy's Life, and can't find anyone who has, though by all accounts it is good.  For some reason I have not digested What's Eating Gilbert Grape?, for which Leo got an Oscar nomination back in the day before becoming a household name. The Wikipedia plot account sounds absolutely ghastly, but I'm assured by Koz and Kaida that it's quite good - Kaida said it was the "feel good gigantic woman retarded boy house burning pool drowning face slapping movie of the year." Well then. I'd have to check my journal, but I'm pretty sure I have not seen The Basketball Diaries - though I did watch a lot of the Columbine coverage several years later, so I think I'm okay. Finally, I have not yet had a day with Leo at The Beach. For what it's worth, when I called Carlos to see if he had any insight on the movies I'd missed (or Leo in general), I found the Wolf-Cat in surprisingly eloquent form. Besides explaining the evolution of late '90s Boy-Bands to a "Doctoral Thesis-Defense" degree, Carlos had this to say: "Leo's best movie was Romeo + Juliet. His best character was the guy in Basketball Diaries. But his best performance, in my opinion, was in The Beach." All right, Wolf-Cat; now you got me curious.

⁶ Source Music is previously-recorded music you put into a film - usually pop songs or classical pieces. They can be "in" the movie - like on the radio or TV, or part of the soundtrack.  This is opposed to Score, which is composed directly for the film. (Think Star Wars.) Yes, I realize I put 6 before 5, but that's because 5 references Source Music so heavily that if you didn't already know what it was you'd have to go back and read the next footnote again.  Who loves you?  Who loves you?  That's right: Uncle Hypey.

⁵ The Mount Rushmore concept is pretty simple - four people (or fast food restaurants or TV shows or whatever the case may be) that define the very best of your subject. I would want to take some time to hash it out, but off the top of my head, my Mount Rushmore for Directors using Source Music would be Martin Scorsese, Quentin Tarantino, Baz Luhrmann and I was going to say John Hughes, but I just looked at his IMDB page, and though he had some all-time greats as far as Source Music goes, he only directed a few films, so we'll leave the fourth spot open, for now.

⁷ I am absolutely going to have to write a review for Romeo + Juliet, as it deserves to take its rightful place among the movie gods. Maybe a running diary, with time-stamp cues so you can watch and read my comments at the appropriate time? I'm tempted.

Reviews for several of these films can be found at Movie Hype.

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Mistletoe Melodies

THE SEXIEST CHRISTMAS SONGS THERE EVER DID BE

 
#13 Baby It's Cold Outside (Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey) - I had never heard of this song until a year ago when Dragon mentioned it to me. I wanted to give you the Ray Charles version, but Dragon is a HUUUUGE Jessica Simpson fan.






 
#12 Please Come Home For Christmas (Bon Jovi) - I like this better than the Eagles' version. Plus, Cindy Crawford is in the video.






 
#11 Christmas - Baby Please Come Home (Mariah Carey) - One thing I noticed is how similar many of the titles are. Certain words used over and over as well.  (Think about it.) Mariah really knows how to belt this out.






 
#10 Merry Christmas Baby (Elvis) - I'm no Elvis fan, so you can take my word for it that he achieved his three entries on this list by pure merit. I can't prove this, but Elvis might well have been the Gateway to thinking about Christmas in a sexy way. That's a legacy, baby.As for the video....there is something...disturbingly hot about listening to Elvis sing while watching Anime pics!







 
#9 Christmas Time is Here (Michale Altamirano) - This is otherwise known as the Charlie Brown Christmas Song. It's the saddest Christmas song I have ever heard, and that just seems to do something for me. How messed up am I? (I couldn't find a lyrical version I liked, so I have an instrumental arrangement. It's amazing.)






 
#8 Last Christmas (Wham) - My friend Koz begged me to use the Hilary Duff version, but I refused to budge. Everyone loves Wham, right? On another note, this bitch (in the song) really broke George Michael's heart. (Or to be more accurate, she gave his heart away, the very next day, no less.) Anyway, I was thinking, what if this was the traumatic event that sent George over to Elton John's team? (Yes, I realize that most gay people are likely born that way, but it's possible that in George's case it was because of a broken heart, right? Add to that the girl from Father Figure, and it's no wonder he switched to all-wheel drive. I'm just sayin'....)






 
#7 I'll Be Home for Christmas (Karen Carpenter) - Is there a better female pop singer in the 20th Century than Karen Carpenter? I say no, although I would be willing to discuss. One thing is for sure: she knocks this song out of the park. I just realized it's kind of sad, too. Why am I finding all this sadness sexy? If I'm not careful "someone" will start licking my tears.






 
#6 The Christmas Song or Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire (Nat King Cole) - My mom does musical therapy for Alzheimer's patients (and other old folks) in several retirement and nursing homes. She told me that the number one request this month (after the obvious White Christmas) is the Chestnut song. At first I was surprised, but then it made sense. You wouldn't think to call it a favorite, but everyone loves it. It's kind of how you never think to order a Patty Melt in a diner, then you see someone eating one and you think, "Oh, I should have gotten the Patty Melt." Additionally, why have roasted chestnuts not become a holiday staple along with candy canes, eggnog, and brown-sugar beef jerky?






 
#5 Blue Christmas (Elvis) - Look at just some of the other people who have done version of Blue Christmas: Celine Dion, Collective Soul, Marie Osmond, Johnny Cash, John Denver, The Bryan Setzer Orchestra, The Partridge Family, The Pretenders, Dean Martin, Bill Idol, Porky Pig. I would pay to go to a concert where each of those people just sang their version of Blue Christmas. How cool would that be?






 
#4 All I Want for Christmas is You (My Chemical Romance) - The definitive version is Mariah, of course; in fact, she actually WROTE the song. (I am not making that up.) However, my sister had her heart set on this Miley Cyrus version, which was something up with which I could not put. So, I compromised and went with My Chemical Romance. They aren't really my cup of tea, but SOMEBODY has to like them, since they have like three of the top ten videos EVER on You Tube. Whatever happened to the girl who sang this in Love Actually? She should be legal now, right? (Just Kidding...sorta)







 
#3 Santa Baby (Kylie Minogue) - In any universe devoid of spider monkeys Santa Baby is #1. It just is. I know it. You know it. Bob Dole knows it. The song is pure sex! However, many women seem to loathe the song with a passion. Oh, she's so materialistic! And that makes her different from other women...how? Side Note: a couple of years ago I tried to write an adaptation called "Santa Pirate" that didn't end up going anywhere. However, my favorite line was and still is, "So shiver up me timbers tonight."






 
#2 Santa Claus is Back in Town (Elvis) - You know how I just said that Santa Baby would be the clear-cut #1 if the Estrogen Mafia weren't running things? Scratch that. This song is not only twice as sexual as Santa Baby, but it's dirtier. I'm astounded it isn't more well-known. Look at some of the lyrics: "Got no sleigh with reindeer/No sack on my back/You're gonna see me comin' in a big black Cadillac..." It's not hard to read between the lines, huh? Santa/Elvis is not a fan of sheepksin. How about this: "Hang up your pretty stockings/And turn off the light/Santa Claus is comin' down your chimney tonight...." To further fight the female power, I found the kickassingist music video I could. It's good to be the Santa.

and the Number One Sexiest Christmas Song ever....



 
#1 Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (Gloria Estefan) - This doesn't have the slap to the ass of the other two, but in a refined romantic way, Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas is as sexy as it gets. I have never heard a version on the radio that wasn't sung slowly, which is how most people like it. (Although: sometimes it's nice to speed things up, too.) Gloria and friends do a fabulous version here: a cappella! Plus, the song talks about the Fates, which is like some throw-back Odin worship or something, and that's always cool. What's not to love?



Hyperion
(Originally written December 2008)





Important Note: I listed who the singer was in each Video because people hate when they don't know. It was NOT my endorsement that the videos I have are THE Sexiest versions, merely what I used.



Honorable Mention:

Ave Maria (Barbara Bonney)

In the Bleak Midwinter (Charlotte Church)

I can't really call either of these songs "sexy." Heck, they aren't even really about Christmas! But they are often sung at Christmas, and there is something so hauntingly beautiful and stirring about them that it's not far off. (Links go to videos.)

and just for the sheer "Whoa!" factor - Try this Christmas Song. (Guys and Switch-Hitters only)

These songs made me remember another Christmas post from three years ago. It's over on Hyperion After Dark, for Adults only!  If you need something to warm you up on a cold December day, check out: Christmas Presence (even though the story is steamy, you may want to be under a blanket - just in case...)

Patriotic Movies

THE TOP TEN MOST PATRIOTIC MOVIES OF ALL TIME

#10 TOP GUN – Take my breath away! (Sorry, I had to.) There’s a reason they show this every July 4, and it’s not naked silhouettes (well, not JUST naked silhouettes). When Maverick takes down the evil Russian MiGs in the final act, you’ll want to join the Navy.

#9 JAMES BOND – I’m including all them here. Never has one man done so much to raise the coolness quotient of an other wise dorky country.

#8 ENEMY AT THE GATES – I know I personally wanted to kill Germans after watching this movie, if only to impress Rachel Weisz so she might get naked for me too.

#7 CANADIAN BACON – This movie is about Americans invading Canada (strangely, the Americans are played mostly by Canadians). However, you’ll end up with quite a bit of fondness for those Cannucks, as well as the morons who try to take them down. Best line, when an American threatens a Mounty with: “We have ways of making you pronounce the letter O.”

#6 ROCKY IV - Rocky goes to Russia to avenge the death of Apollo Creed. By the end of the fight (on Christmas, no less), even the evil Commies are cheering for Rocky, who makes a plea for peace. At least, we think that’s what he does. By now, no mortal can understand Sly.

#5 TORA TORA TORA – The best Pearl Harbor film ever made. I know that’s damning with faint praise, but it’s still great. You’ll switch from Playstation to X-Box after watching this.

#4 THE PATRIOT – A fairly ridiculous film (I’m pretty sure no British officer was that evil), Gibson runs around killing every red coat in sight. Viva la Revelucion!

#3 INDEPENDENCE DAY - The president of the United States (who’s incapable of lying, talk about wish-fulfillment), flies a fighter-jet to take down the Aliens, who are also thwarted by using software compatible with Apple, and not Windows.

#2 BRAVEHEART – My college roommate wore a kilt for a month after this came out. Who didn’t want to fight the (this time more legit) evil British after what they did to William Wallace’s wife? “But they will never take…our hot girls!”

and…

#1 ALEXANDER NEFSKY – Probably the best film you’ve never heard of. Stalin originally wanted this for propaganda, but at first rejected it when Germany and Russia were buds before WWII. However, once that went by the wayside, he demanded it shown in every theatre in the country. But forget ol’ Mustache, NEFSKY is simply a breathtaking film. The evil Teutonic Knights are coming to enslave Mother Russia, and her sons must defend the homeland. Featuring the greatest land battle of all time – on melting ice going toward a waterfall. Supposedly based on a real battle, it contains the great quote: “Those who come to us with a sword will die from that sword.” Okay, it loses a little in translation, but you get the message.

[Top Ten List originally compiled with Marcellus, June 2005]

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