April 4, 2016

2016 NCAA Tournament Team Names - RANKED!

As you may know, The NCAA has been playing their Tournament the past 3 weeks (aka "March Madness," aka "that Bracket you filled out that went bust on Day 1"), taking 68 hungry teams until only 1 is left, the champion.

But much, Much, MUCH more importantly, I have taken it upon myself to rank all 68 teams by their team name, or Mascot. To be clear, when I say Mascot, I don't mean the furry wretch that jumps around the cheerleaders and tries to paw at them. I mean the Platonic embodiment of the team name itself.

In other words, I want to know what would happen if a shark were to battle a Samurai, if Hornets went toe to toe with Lynx, and so on. I have ranked the team names on the following criteria:

Awesomeness - obvi
Badassery - similar to but not the as Awesomeness
Speed/Strength/Durability - the "measurables"
Meanness - This helps win battles
Indigenous Atrocities - some of these names are not cool! (Also, fair warning; I am blissfully inconsistent about which historical atrocities bug me and which do not. Deal with it.

Please leave any comments you have below, and let's get to it!

October 25, 2015


With the sad passing of Maureen O'Hara, I broke out my Top list of Redheads from back in 2006. (Originally the list was 50, but upon publishing I immediately realized I made terrible omissions, and a supplemental list was necessary.)

Remember, all the jokes are nine years old! But don't focus on that, focus on the lovely Gingers, especially Maureen.

April 29, 2013

The Other 45 Ways To Leave Your Lover

In 1975 Paul Simon wrote the iconic song "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover." Featuring a sultry drumbeat, a sleepy ballad for the lyrics then the rousing sing-along chorus, it's no wonder it became one of his biggest hits.

The only problem: as we sing the song we come to realize that there are only 5 ways, not 50!

They are:

You Just slip out the back, Jack (1)
Make a new plan, Stan (2)
You don't need to be coy, Roy (3)
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus (4)
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee (5)
And get yourself free

That's fine for Jack, Stan, Roy, Gus and Lee, but what about the others? Is it possible there are only 5 ways, and Paul realized that 50 was more musical? (Candyshop notwithstanding.) More likely, Paul was just having so much fun that he forgot to include the other lyrics.

Thankfully there's me.

In an effort to help a fellow musician and writer, I have taken it upon myself to pen the missing lyrics. Bonus: the song was written from a female perspective to a male, and thus featured only male names. However, we are a full-service lover-leaving advice Empire, so you will find both male and female names below. You might even find your own name, in which case tell your significant other I'm sorry.

Without further ado:

The Other 45 Ways to Leave Your Lover

1. Fake your own death, Seth 
2. Make up a story, Rory 
3. Pee on his leg, Meg 
4. Offend her parents, Clarence
5. Get eaten by piranhas, Shawna 
6. Flee the scene, Francine 
7. Tell him you're not ready, Betty 
8. Give her a giant snake, Jake 
9. Get up and leave Steve 
10. Renew your visa, Lisa 
11. Tell her you're a fairy, Kerry 
12. Call for a taxi, Maxi
13. Go back to your Ex, Rex 
14. Hide in Argentina, Gina 
15. Say she looks super fat, Matt 

16. Buckshot to the Fanny, Annie 
17. S*** in her bed, Achmed 
18. Get shot out a cannon, Shannon 
19. Fly on a plane, Dwayne 
20. Climb out on a limb, Tim 
21. Tell him Go to Hell, Michelle 
22. Ride a new filly, Billy 
23. Call her a fat ugly bitch, Rich 
24. Rev up your Harley, Carly 
25. Serve some poisoned flan, Mary-Anne 
26. Fake a heart attack, Barack 
27. Get tried at the Hague, Craig 
28. Just stop all the lyin', Brian 
29. Tell him you're a fella, Ella 
30. Time to hitchhike, Mike 

31. Create a smokescreen, Chrystine 
32. Walk out the do', Joe 
33. Hide among the citizenry, Henry 
34. Act really tricky, Nicki 
35. Vanish without a trace, Grace 
36. Turn into a soulless whore, Al Gore 
37. Contract MS, Dennis 
38. Get sent to jail, Dale 
39. Turn really queer, Samir
40. Crash her new car, Jafar 
41. Get caught with her sister, Mr. 
42. Move to Spain, Elaine 
43. Skulk away, Dr. Dre 
44. Become a Neo-Nazi, Potsie 
45. Pick a new set of criterion, Hyperion

And get yourself free.......

See the full 2012 Edition of the Thirty-One Days of Poetry

See the 2011 Edition
See the 2110 Edition

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January 31, 2012

Rather B

Things haven't gone that well for me this year, for reasons I'm not going to get into, at least today. The point is, I, like many of you, would rather

be doing something other than what I'm actually doing.

The following are the Top Ten things I'd Rather B Doing (than what I AM doing), presented in rhyming couplets, because that's just how I bagel.

The Top Ten Things I'd Rather B (Doing)

#10  Epic Writing - (hoping to be third of a way through a novel by now)

#9  Wrong A-Righting - (You must pay the rent! I can't pay the rent! You must pay the rest! I can't pay the rent! You must pay the rent! I can't pay the rent. i'll pay the rent. My Hero! Curses! Foiled Again!)

#8  Old School Dancing (I will cabbage patch you into the ground, fool!)

#7   Elf Romancing - (Not sure what will melt her, but I bet it's pointy.)

#6  Jerky Drying (Ironically, I look at that and get moist.)

#5  Fee Fo Fi-ing - (You don't even want to know what this fairy tale represents. Hint....Divinyls)

#4  Old West Hippoing - (If you think hippos weren't a powerful scourge in the Old West...consider the fact that the Hippo Consortium got every single reference to them removed from the literature. You think about that. True power indeed.....)

#3  Magic Zippoing - (Who doesn't like tricks with fire? Nobody! That's who!)

#2  Kung-Fu Fighting - (one of the central planks for my ground-breaking BLKF Theory)

and the #1 thing I'd Rather B doing is....

#1  Jedi Knigting - (I AM a Jedi Knight, and if  you don't believe me, just come and try to get your Droids back.)

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February 7, 2011

Best 2011 Super Bowl Commercials

I watched the Super Bowl in a Hotel Breakfast Nook, the only good TV in the joint, along with a few other weary travelers, a couple of maids and local police who kept popping in. (Tax dollars at work.)

Anyway, the general consensus is that this year’s ads weren’t as great as other years, but there were a few good ones. The ones I liked the best this year leaned more towards whimsical than hilarious or touching. Not sure if that says more about me or the general vibe.

The big winners for me were Bridgestone, Chevy and Eminem, each getting two entries in my list.


#10  Bridgestone “Reply All” - Simple, well-executed, absurd and yet completely relatable.

#09  Eminem Lipton Brisk Ice Tea - Cute and didn’t seem too forced.

#08  Chevy Camaro - 2 guys design a commercial that changes as their idea does. The ending is what makes it.

#07  Kia Optima “Epic Ride” - I like when a car company will put on a big show to entertain me. This was entertaining, a mini-movie. Loved it. Explains the Aztecs completely.

#06  Chrysler 200 “Detroit” - Another good fit for Eminem, who blends in well with this classy “Detroit is back!” Ad. Love the tag line: “Chrysler 200: Imported from Detroit”

#05  HomeAway “Test Baby” - Okay, this wasn’t the greatest commercial, but it gets a high spot on my list for having my single favorite moment of the Super Bowl. More than the Beaver, the Bieber, the Force or Christina Aguillera forgetting the words to the National Anthem, I loved me some Test Baby!

#04 Bridgestone “Carma” - a fist-bump to the heart from a beaver; it’s as if God became a poet.

#03  Coca-Cola “War” - Anytime there’s a Dragon you have my attention. I would rather watch this movie than “Rio” or “Rango” or most of the coming animated films. Not 100% executed, but I love how Coca-Cola dreams big, and is confident enough to give us wordless wonder. A beautiful thing.

#02  Chevy Silverado “Lassie” - The best all-around commercial, and only trumped by #1’s off-the-charts Awwwwww Factor. A simple concept (the truck as "Lassie"), builds hilariously; anytime you can get a giant whale and a volcano in the same commercial you’re a winner. The dad’s mutterings are priceless.  

and the number one Commercial of the 2011 Super Bowl is......

#01  Volkswagen Passat “The Force” - You could mark it down for not “branding” enough (It took me two times through to remember it was Volkswagen and another couple to see Passat) - but who cares. The kid is simply too cute for words.  We’ve all been there, feeling the pain of not being able to unlock the magic within, and the kid’s reaction at the end is divine. A wonderful commercial, Hall of Fame forever.

Wanna see if you agree with my List? Check out all 63 Super Bowl ads here.

Note: the picture up top is from the best commercial in last year’s Super Bowl. I wanted to honor it since I never did a list.

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