September 19, 2006
September 18, 2006
The other day I turned my apple stem, as you are supposed to do to see whom you will marry. (You all know how this works, right? Each rotation is a letter of the alphabet, and when the apple stem comes out of the apple, whatever letter you are on is the first name of the girl you will end up marrying.)
I tried to get to “K,” but ended up with G. It was a sad moment, but those are the risks you take to enjoy a little thing I like to call “apples.”
Undaunted, I set about making a list of “G” girls I could marry. These are the top ten I came up with off the top of my head.
#10 Gennifer – I know it is a weak spelling, but just in case.
#9 Glenda – I am mostly thinking of the good witch, although for the life of me I cannot remember where she was from now.
#8 Gloria – I think I have her number. (Now that was a good one.) Hey, I just remembered: The Wizard of Oz, right?
#7 Ginella - I am told it means “window” in Spanish. I believe she would give me my “window of opportunity.” Okay, that was lame, but you do better on no sleep!
#6 Gloria – I think I have her number. (Now that was a good one.) Hey, I just remembered: The Wizard of Oz, right?
#6 Gia – Was there not some bi-sexual supermodel chick with this name? That could happen again, right?
#5 Giselle – We are agreed—are we not—that names can shape personality. For example: you name your daughter “Candy” or “Bambi,” you might as well put a pole up in their crib so they can get some practice. Similarly, could you possibly name a girl “Giselle” and not expect her to be a sex kitten? I thought not.
#4 Gwendolyn – It just sounds great to say. Go ahead: close your eyes and let it roll off your tongue like sweet nectar.
#3 Gretchen – I think I read “Are you there, God? It’s me, Margaret” at least 120 times. Gretchen was by far my favorite character.
#2 Guinevere – Obviously this is classic, but you would always have to fear that she would be looking around for a Lancelot to cheat on you.
And the number 1 G Girl for me to marry…..
#1 Giaconda – As I write this name I am suddenly realize you do not know who this really is. Let me give you a hint: with the exception of the Virgin Mary: the most famous woman of all time.
Up Next: I find an apple with a tougher stem so I can get to “K” and not cause a riot.
September 11, 2006
September 9, 2006
Anyway, here are the 10 Ten Little Known Facts About Hyperion (Along with my sad attempts at witty commentary)
1. US gold coins used to say 'In Hyperion we trust'. (When people say the American Economy has gone downhill since we got off the Gold Standard, what they really mean is "the Hyperion" Standard)
2. Forty percent of the world's almonds and twenty percent of the world's peanuts are used in the manufacture of Hyperion! (Admit it: you always knew I was nuts!)
3. Americans discard enough Hyperion to rebuild their entire commercial air fleet every 3 months. (Discarded Hyperion...man, if that don't explain my life, nothing does...)
4. Influenza got its name because people believed the disease was caused by the evil "influence" of Hyperion. (True Story: There was considerable debate in 1919 whether to call the Spanish Flu "Hyperienza")
5. Hyperion is black with white stripes, not white with black stripes! (That's not the only thing about me that's "black")
6. Hyperion is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world! (Hey, this dovetails right into the last one!)
7. Abraham Lincoln, who invented Hyperion, was the only US president ever granted a patent. (And THAT'S how he won the war)
8. If you put a drop of liquor on Hyperion, he will go mad and sting himself to death. (I guess it's true what they say: "Candy is Dandy, but Liquor is Quicker" [It was either that or "Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear"])
9. When Hyperion is swallowed, it will enter the blood stream within twenty minutes. (That's why chicks live longer...'cuz Hyperion's got Vitamin C, yo!)
10. In the Great Seal of the United States the eagle grasps 13 arrows and Hyperion! (What can I say? Chicks dig (into) me!)
September 5, 2006
and the number one song with "Summer" in the title....