I've been thinking a lot about names lately, especially things that are mis-named. What's up with that? We want people new to America to learn English, the least we can do is call things what they are! Below I have listed some of the worst examples.
THE MOST MISNAMED THINGS IN THE WORLD (AND POSSIBLY THE SOLAR SYSTEM) TODAY
#17 Turtles - I guess I shouldn't complain, since real turtles don't taste this good, but the principle....
#16 Urinal Cake - Come to think of it, why would you eat a real cake in a urinal? Again, though, the principle!
#15 Sweetbread - There are Bad Carbs, and then there's just friggin' ridiculous.
#14 Paradise, Michigan - I don't know where Paradise is, but I know sure as shootin' it ain't in Michigan.
#13 Headcheese - I'm not quite sure what I expected headcheese to look like, but that ain't it.
#12 Grape Nuts - I've yet to figure out what Grape Nuts are, but I know two things it is not: grapes and nuts.
#11 Rocky Mountain Oysters - If you're ordering Oysters all the way in the Rocky Mountains, you really have no one to blame.
#10 Cheesecake - It doesn't taste like cheese or cake - it just tastes awful, and anyone who disagrees with me is clearly with the terrorists.
#09 Poker Chips - As Homer would say, "Don't try to eat these so-called chips."
#08 Tossed Salad - Umm....I must have made a mistake on this one. Just ignore it...coughcough
#07 Elephant Ears - My biggest complaint - no way those are the right size! Make 'em Elephant-size and I'm flexible on the pastry.
#06 Naked Lunch - To quote Nelson Muntz, "I can think of at least two things wrong with that title."
#05 Spotted Dick - I would have bet money this was a Venereal Disease. Looking at the picture, don't rule that out.
#04 Bearclaws - I thought eating a bear would give me the strength of a bear, but all I got was a sugar-coma.
#03 Hot Dog - If we do end up going the literal way, I vote for poodles first. As much as those dogs are pampered, they have to be the Kobe Beef of dogs.
#02 Black Light - For the last time - IT'S PURPLE. CALL IT A PURPLE LIGHT!
A few years ago Gwyneth Paltrow named her child Apple, which set off a round of mockery for her choices. I'm fairly sure I was a part of it. But the longer I live, the more I come around. In the future, names will get more and more distinctive and less of a stigma than a benefit to be unusual. (I've been saying this for years: urban black women are WAY ahead of the curve.)
I am an expert on names - the greatest who ever lived. Unlike some who only look at...well, nothing, I think of how a name feels to hear, how it feels to say...the mouth feel of words as they roll off the tongue. I know some of you will shake your head at this - but hear me, disbelieving idiots - the way a word sounds and feels is every bit as important to conveying meaning and experience as the alleged meaning a word has. Hear me, and know it for Truth!
Back to fruit though: why not? They are delicious, nutritious, usually pretty to look at, and every name means something. As for the whole "kids will make fun of them" argument, give me a break. This is overblown, and any fears are outgrown soon. Later on the child will be happy with an unusual name. However, while I support Gwyneth's philosophy, I don't personally care for Apple as a name. Thus, being helpful to anyone else out there looking to name their child after a juicy fruit (but not Juicyfruit - if you're going gum, you can't be Hubba Bubba for a boy or Wrigley for a girl), I have the five best fruits to consider, as well as five you should leave alone.
THE TOP FIVE FRUITS THAT WOULD MAKE TERRIBLE NAMES FOR A KID
#5 Banana - the syllables sound a little bit silly strung together, and then there's the whole visual aspect...
#4 Kiwi - Don't take away one of the three things New Zealand has!
#3 Gooseberry - You're just asking for trouble. Why not name the kid Pat McCrotch while you're at it?
#2 Ulgi Fruit - Visually, verbally, viscerally....if you can't figure this out, please sterilize yourself...NOW.
and the number one fruit that would make a terrible name for a kid....
#1 Kumquat - Sounds like a Middle-Eastern porn star. Best stay away.
THE TOP FIVE FRUITS THAT WOULD MAKE GOOD NAMES FOR A KID
#5 Loganberry - Logan is already a popular name for a kid, so this is just adding some extra juice. What's not to love?
#4 Mango - If I were a rapper, I would strongly consider calling myself Big Mango....you better recognize...fool!
#3 Peach - Tell me this wouldn't make a great name for a girl! She sounds delicious! And you could call her Peachy for short. This is a total winner.
#2 Blueberry - I've heard from naysayers on Twitter that this sounds like a stripper name, but they were all on drugs. I maintain Blueberry Butterscotch would be a name worthy of the gods. You cannot deny this.
and the number one fruit that would make a good name for a kid....
#1 Tangerine - When I started this list I assumed Blueberry would be #1 no problem....Tangerine sort of came out of the blue for me. Nicknames of Tangy or Tangery - both awesome - and Tangerine just sounds....neat. It would totally work. Now go have yourself a kid and try it out!