September 16, 2010



I've been thinking a lot about names lately, especially things that are mis-named.  What's up with that?  We want people new to America to learn English, the least we can do is call things what they are!  Below I have listed some of the worst examples.  


#17  Turtles - I guess I shouldn't complain, since real turtles don't taste this good, but the principle....

#16  Urinal Cake - Come to think of it, why would you eat a real cake in a urinal?  Again, though, the principle!

#15  Sweetbread - There are Bad Carbs, and then there's just friggin' ridiculous. 

#14  Paradise, Michigan - I don't know where Paradise is, but I know sure as shootin' it ain't in Michigan. 

#13  Headcheese - I'm not quite sure what I expected headcheese to look like, but that ain't it. 

#12  Grape Nuts - I've yet to figure out what Grape Nuts are, but I know two things it is not: grapes and nuts. 

#11  Rocky Mountain Oysters - If you're ordering Oysters all the way in the Rocky Mountains, you really have no one to blame.  

#10  Cheesecake - It doesn't taste like cheese or cake - it just tastes awful, and anyone who disagrees with me is clearly with the terrorists. 

#09  Poker Chips - As Homer would say, "Don't try to eat these so-called chips."

#08  Tossed Salad - Umm....I must have made a mistake on this one.  Just ignore it...coughcough

#07  Elephant Ears - My biggest complaint - no way those are the right size!  Make 'em Elephant-size and I'm flexible on the pastry. 

#06  Naked Lunch - To quote Nelson Muntz, "I can think of at least two things wrong with that title."

#05  Spotted Dick - I would have bet money this was a Venereal Disease. Looking at the picture, don't rule that out. 

#04  Bearclaws - I thought eating a bear would give me the strength of a bear, but all I got was a sugar-coma.  

#03  Hot Dog - If we do end up going the literal way, I vote for poodles first. As much as those dogs are pampered, they have to be the Kobe Beef of dogs. 

#02  Black Light - For the last time - IT'S PURPLE.  CALL IT A PURPLE LIGHT!

and the number one _______ is......

#01  NeverEnding Story - 'Nuff said.  

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September 13, 2010

Watermelon Jones


A few years ago Gwyneth Paltrow named her child Apple, which set off a round of mockery for her choices.  I'm fairly sure I was a part of it.  But the longer I live, the more I come around.  In the future, names will get more and more distinctive and less of a stigma than a benefit to be unusual. (I've been saying this for years: urban black women are WAY ahead of the curve.)

I am an expert on names - the greatest who ever lived.  Unlike some who only look at...well, nothing, I think of how a name feels to hear, how it feels to say...the mouth feel of words as they roll off the tongue.  I know some of you will shake your head at this - but hear me, disbelieving idiots - the way a word sounds and feels is every bit as important to conveying meaning and experience as the alleged meaning a word has.  Hear me, and know it for Truth!

Back to fruit though: why not?  They are delicious, nutritious, usually pretty to look at, and every name means something.  As for the whole "kids will make fun of them" argument, give me a break.  This is overblown, and any fears are outgrown soon.  Later on the child will be happy with an unusual name.  However, while I support Gwyneth's philosophy, I don't personally care for Apple as a name.  Thus, being helpful to anyone else out there looking to name their child after a juicy fruit (but not Juicyfruit - if you're going gum, you can't be Hubba Bubba for a boy or Wrigley for a girl), I have the five best fruits to consider, as well as five you should leave alone. 


#5  Banana - the syllables sound a little bit silly strung together, and then there's the whole visual aspect...

#4  Kiwi - Don't take away one of the three things New Zealand has!

#3  Gooseberry - You're just asking for trouble.  Why not name the kid Pat McCrotch while you're at it?

#2  Ulgi Fruit - Visually, verbally, viscerally....if you can't figure this out, please sterilize yourself...NOW. 

and the number one fruit that would make a terrible name for a kid....

#1  Kumquat - Sounds like a Middle-Eastern porn star.  Best stay away.  


#5  Loganberry - Logan is already a popular name for a kid, so this is just adding some extra juice.  What's not to love?  

#4  Mango - If I were a rapper, I would strongly consider calling myself Big better recognize...fool!

#3  Peach - Tell me this wouldn't make a great name for a girl!  She sounds delicious!  And you could call her Peachy for short.  This is a total winner.  

#2  Blueberry - I've heard from naysayers on Twitter that this sounds like a stripper name, but they were all on drugs.  I maintain Blueberry Butterscotch would be a name worthy of the gods.  You cannot deny this. 

and the number one fruit that would make a good name for a kid....

#1  Tangerine - When I started this list I assumed Blueberry would be #1 no problem....Tangerine sort of came out of the blue for me.  Nicknames of Tangy or Tangery - both awesome - and Tangerine just sounds....neat.  It would totally work.  Now go have yourself a kid and try it out!


Thanks to Jadriana for the pics.  You are definitely one fruity girl. 
Thanks to Orangelo and Limongelo for advice
Thanks to Kenya allowing me to grow up there and cultivate such a love for fruit

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