RANK EVERYTHING: Watermelon Jones

A few years ago Gwyneth Paltrow named her child Apple, which set off a round of mockery for her choices. I'm fairly sure I was a part of it. But the longer I live, the more I come around. In the future, names will get more and more distinctive and less of a stigma than a benefit to be unusual. (I've been saying this for years: urban black women are WAY ahead of the curve.)

I am an expert on names - the greatest who ever lived. Unlike some who only look at...well, nothing, I think of how a name feels to hear, how it feels to say...the mouth feel of words as they roll off the tongue. I know some of you will shake your head at this - but hear me, disbelieving idiots - the way a word sounds and feels is every bit as important to conveying meaning and experience as the alleged meaning a word has. Hear me, and know it for Truth!

Back to fruit though: why not? They are delicious, nutritious, usually pretty to look at, and every name means something. As for the whole "kids will make fun of them" argument, give me a break. This is overblown, and any fears are outgrown soon. Later on the child will be happy with an unusual name. However, while I support Gwyneth's philosophy, I don't personally care for Apple as a name. Thus, being helpful to anyone else out there looking to name their child after a juicy fruit (but not Juicyfruit - if you're going gum, you can't be Hubba Bubba for a boy or Wrigley for a girl), I have the five best fruits to consider, as well as five you should leave alone.

THE TOP FIVE FRUITS THAT WOULD MAKE TERRIBLE NAMES FOR A KID

#5 Banana - the syllables sound a little bit silly strung together, and then there's the whole visual aspect...

#4 Kiwi - Don't take away one of the three things New Zealand has!

#3 Gooseberry - You're just asking for trouble. Why not name the kid Pat McCrotch while you're at it?

#2 Ulgi Fruit - Visually, verbally, viscerally....if you can't figure this out, please sterilize yourself...NOW.

and the number one fruit that would make a terrible name for a kid....

#1 Kumquat - Sounds like a Middle-Eastern porn star. Best stay away.

THE TOP FIVE FRUITS THAT WOULD MAKE GOOD NAMES FOR A KID

#5 Loganberry - Logan is already a popular name for a kid, so this is just adding some extra juice. What's not to love?

#4 Mango - If I were a rapper, I would strongly consider calling myself Big Mango....you better recognize...fool!

#3 Peach - Tell me this wouldn't make a great name for a girl! She sounds delicious! And you could call her Peachy for short. This is a total winner.

#2 Blueberry - I've heard from naysayers on Twitter that this sounds like a stripper name, but they were all on drugs. I maintain Blueberry Butterscotch would be a name worthy of the gods. You cannot deny this.

and the number one fruit that would make a good name for a kid....

#1 Tangerine - When I started this list I assumed Blueberry would be #1 no problem....Tangerine sort of came out of the blue for me. Nicknames of Tangy or Tangery - both awesome - and Tangerine just sounds....neat. It would totally work. Now go have yourself a kid and try it out!

Extra

Two years ago I ranked the Top Ten Fruits by their Deliciousness

Credits

Thanks to Jadriana for the pics. You are definitely one fruity girl.

Thanks to Orangelo and Limongelo for advice

Thanks to Kenya allowing me to grow up there and cultivate such a love for fruit