On Monday night they held the Miss Universe Pageant, eventually picking Miss Mexico (Jimena Navarrete) as the winner out of 83 contestants. That's all well and good, but with Miss Pluto not even considered I cannot accept the legitimacy of the Miss Universe Pageant.
As such, I decided to go through the list and pick my own Top Ten. I mainly used these pictures provided by the Pageant itself (although some of the pictures didn't give a very good look, so much supplemental research was needed.) I asked my friend Jadriana to pick her own Top Ten list independently; I thought it would be a good juxtaposition. She had her list done in like 4 minutes. Me? It took me 40 minutes to go down from 83 to 42, and another two hours to get down to 18. The final cut to 10 was excruciating.
This backs up a long-held belief I have about women: they love to judge other women. They are much better at it than men, too. Everyone says men judge women on their looks, but the truth is men are much more inclusive in their list of hotties. It usually boils down to "girls I'd do," "girls I'd do but not proudly," "girls I'd do but not tell anyone," and "girls I'd do after I got drunk first." That last category men like to call the "women I'd never sleep with list." You get my point: men are easy to please.
On the other hand, a woman looks at another woman and instantly knows the last time she shaved her legs, if she gained four ounces since the weekend and what brand of shampoo she's using. Go figure.
As I was making the tough cuts (seriously: take a look at these girls - and click on each icon for full size - it's hard to narrow down!) Jadriana felt the need to mock me. "It takes you that long? I look at the face... if i don't like the face it doesn't matter how big the tits are."
I spluttered in indignation. "Just because someone cares enough to take the time to do the job right is no reason to criticize!"
"Are you basing your picks on whether you'd sleep with them? Don't do that - we'll be here all night."
See what I mean? Women just like to judge.
Anyway, eventually I managed to come up with ten, so I am putting down both lists below, along with pithy comments. If you have a different list than mine (which I doubt - mine is correct), leave your list in the comments.
WHAT "SHOULD" HAVE BEEN THE TOP 10 MISS UNIVERSE CONTESTANTS
According to Jadriana....
#10 - Miss Australia (Jesinta Campbell) - I think she has that "natural" look, even though that has never been a factor for me.
#9 - Miss Greece (Anna Prelevic) - Love her warm sunkissed skin.
#8 - Miss Slovak Republic (Anna Amenova) - Why do I have a hankerin' to hear the tale of Goldilocks and the Three Bears?
#7 - Miss Sweden (Michaela Savic) - I like that she looks like she could be a real bitch if she had to be.
#6 - Miss Argentina (Yesica Di Vincenzo) - She just has beautiful eyes and a trusting smile.
#5 - Miss Urugauy (Stephany Ortega) - Cat-like green eyes. Meow.
#4 - Miss Peru (Giuliana Zevallos) - Maybe it's just me, but she has that "spy" look about her. I like it. I like it a lot.
#3 - Miss Czech Republic (Jitka Valkova) - She looks "gypsy" to me - wild, untamed, and a handful.
#2 - Miss Guam (Vanessa Torres) - Smoldering in an unassuming way. Love it!
#1 - Miss Malaysia (Nadine Ann Thomas) - Last, but not least, my number one pick for Miss Universe, Miss Malaysia. I would switch teams for this one. Dark, dangerous, gorgeous... what else is there?
And now the Correct list, according to Hyperion......
#10 Miss Lebanon (Rahaf Abdallah) - There's something innocent yet corruptible about her.
#9 Miss Uruguay (Stephany Ortega) - Her hair reminds me of reins
#8 Miss Australia (Jesinta Campbell) - MustnotmakeDownUnderjoke MustnotmakeDownUnderjoke MustnotmakeDownunderjoke.....
#7 Miss Argentina (Yesica de Vincenzo) - I bet those legs can do some serious damage
#6 Miss Canada (Elena Semikina) - I just realized Blonde Beaver would make a Fabulous Canadian band name
#5 Miss Sweden (Michaela Savic) - There is a shampoo endorsement deal in Michaela's future.
#3 Miss Croatia (Lana Obad) - Why am I suddenly thinking of a speech Cary Elwes gave Robin Wright Penn when she was about to use a knife?
#4 Miss Bolivia (Claudia Arce Lemaitre) - Look for B'Olivia soon as a girls' name. (And look for me in Bolivia, chasing her)
#2 Miss Russia (Irina Antonenko) - Sometimes all you can do is stare
And Hyperion's number one Miss Universe contestant for 2010 is....
#1 Miss Denmark (Ena Sandra Causevic) - It's hard to explain why I chose her #1. It's in the eyes, or the lips, or the....you know, give me a month to look into it and I'll get back to you.