March 28, 2007

7-Spot

The Hyperion Institute turns 7 today, and in honor of that auspicious event, I thought I would take a look at the 7 greatest things that come in 7s.





Honorable Mention:
7 DWARVES,
7 EROGENOUS SPOTS (ACCORDING TO MONICA GELLAR),
7 SISTERS,
7 AGES OF MAN,
7 SAMURAI/MAGNIFICENT 7,
7 CARD STUD,
7 HEAVENLY VIRTUES,
7 LAST THINGS JESUS SAID,
7 BIOLOGICAL TAXONOMY,
7 WORDS YOU CAN'T SAY ON TV






THE TOP SEVEN THINGS THAT HAVE TO DO WITH 7




#7 SEVEN WONDERS OF THE ANCIENT WORLD - In case you were wondering, they are: Great Pyramid of Giza, Hanging Gardens of Babylon, Statue of Zeus at Olympia, Temple of Artemis at Ephesus, Mausoleum of Halicarnassus, Colossus of Rhodes, Lighthouse of Alexandria. To see them all visit here.






#7 SEVEN NOTES OF THE MUSICAL SCALE - In case your hatred of Julie Andrews runs deep, they are Do, Re, Mi, Fa, So, La, & Ti.






#7 SEVEN COLORS OF THE OPTICAL/VISIBLE LIGHT SPECTRUM - This one is a bit of a misnomer. Isaac Newton was obsessed with the number seven, as any good genius is, and he wanted the number to match other 7s in his world. Theoretically there are as many colors as the human eye can deduce, but without Newton we wouldn't have ROYGBIV.






#7 Happy Numbers - Right now, if anyone reading this knows what a happy number is, I offer you a seat in the Institute Council sight unseen. Anyway, a Happy Number is one where the digits of the numbers square both square, those numbers are added up and the digits are squared, etc. until you get back to 1. 7 is the smallest Happy number (except for 1, which doesn't count). Here, let me show you:


7^2 = 49


4^2 + 9^2 = 16+81 = 97


9^2 + 7^2 = 81 + 49 = 130


1^2 + 3^2 + 0^2 = 1 + 9 + 0 = 10


1^2 + 0^2 = 1 + 0 = 1


See? Isn't that cool?





#7 SEVEN CONTINENTS - In case you're really dumb, they are Africa, Asia, North America, South America, Europe, Australia and Atlantis






#7 SEVEN DAYS OF THE WEEK - Do I need to list these? Wednesday is probably the best, if only because of whom it is named after. (Surely you recognize the pic?)


and the Number Seven thing having to do with 7....





#7 SEVEN DEADLY SINS - Too bad the Seven Heavenly Virtues only made Honorable Mention, but it's that kind of world. Count 'em down with me: Greed, Envy, Sloth, Wrath, Gluttony, Pride, and everybody's favorite....




See ya soon!

March 20, 2007

Don't Let Disney Make Your Daughter a Stripper

According to Chris Rock, if you are the parent of a girl your #1 job in raising her is to, "keep her off the stripper pole." And while I have heard the adage that every time a girl wraps around the pole for the first time an angel gets her wings (and then strips those wings off for sweaty dollar bills), Rock is right on this one.

But what can you do? Well, for starters there is the name. Names can be quite defining, and certain names just lend themselves to making your daughter more likely to be a stripper. For example: Baby Ethel? Probably not going to be a stripper. Baby She-Bitch? Better buy the industrial-sized tub of glitter.

Another thing I noticed recently is that Disney, that so-called wholesome entertertainer, has put out some movies with females dangerously named. Sure, in 2-D form they may only have to deal with neurotic lobsters and the occasional tale as old as time, but in the real world those girls would have sore backs and calves every single night.

The following is a list of Disney Names you ought to forgo when branding your daughter, to keep her off the pole:

THE TOP TEN DISNEY NAMES YOU SHOULD AVOID IF YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR DAUGHTER FROM BEING A STRIPPER


(That is one big pussy)

#10 Jasmine - The only exception is Indian girls, because no Indian father is going to put up with his daugther on the pole, not when there's a 7-11 to run!


#9 Cinderella - Four words to make the fetishists drool: high heeled glass slippers



(Insert your best "stretch" joke here)

#8 Elastic Girl - On the plus side, when she wrapped herself around the pole, she could literally wrap herself around the pole!


(Is that a hunch in your shirt, or are you just happy to see me?)

#7 Esmerelda - You can totally see her working the ugly guys for every last cent they have


#6 Sleeping Beauty/Briar Rose - Time to pluck some petals...(Sorry, that joke was lame, but if I kept the other one in there you'd all riot)




(Just the right size to fit in your pocket)

#5 Tinkerbell - A flying stripper? Suddenly the lapdance JUST GOT INTERESTING!


(It gets worse: Angela Lansbury's her pimp)

#4 Belle -You name a girl Belle, and if she don't turn out to be a Stripper, she'll at least marry her cousin (or family pet).



(Think of a certain bodily fluid and then think of the most famous song in this movie. Go ahead: I'll wait.)

#3 Ariel - On the one hand, the "mer" aspect does add a level to the striptease, but c'mon: are you going to risk her father showing up at the club and jamming a trident up your ass?




("Some day, my Prince will come....")

#2 Snow White - After she gets to know management, maybe she'll get the dwarves jobs over at Chippendales!


and the Number One Disney name to avoid...

(I believe this is called "presenting")

#1 Bambi - Name your girl this, and you might as well put a pole in her crib. Speaking of which, I seem to recall Bambi having a friend. Now THAT'S a name that poses no risk whatsoever.



(Thump her? I hardly know her!)


Probably Safe: Ursula, Meliificent, Cruella, Pochahontas (unless she goes by "Poke Her Hot Ass")


Now you know what they'd be like as strippers. But what would they be like in bed? Last year I took the character traits of the Disney Ladies and came up with a few theories. If you're still game after this list, head on over to Hyperion-X and see what Disney Girls are like beneath the sheets.

March 13, 2007

The Winnie Cooper Hall of Fame

Do you ever sit around with friends and say something like, "Whatever happened to ____? She was so insanely hot in X, but then just disappeared..."

Well, maybe it's just me, because I think about these things quite often. So much so, I decided to do a top five list of actresses/singers who were so smoking and then just...poof.

Obviously I was going to call it the Winnie Cooper Hall of Fame.

Except...

Winnie Cooper doesn't really belong on the list. As I most emphatically proved in a Monkey Barn post last September, Danica McKellar is still alive and quite kicking. And, according to her IMDB Page, she's been working pretty steadily since The Wonder Years, just not in anything as iconic as Winnie Cooper.

Anyway, since I thought she deserved to be the list's namesake, I'm still calling it that, for now.

Random Note: As I was doing research for this list, I looked up the chick Mercedes from LICENSE TO DRIVE, since she was super hot and I hadn't seen her since. To my absolute shock I found out the girl was...actually, I can't even say it. See for yourself, if you must. Me, I feel the need to shower.


THE TOP FIVE NEW ENTRANTS TO THE WINNIE COOPER HALL OF FAME




#5 Catherine Bach (Daisy Duke) - Without her, there might never be ultra-tiny denim shorts or hopes that this year the family reunion would produce some real lookers. Catherine isn't even the hottest member of her family (her sister was a Bond girl and married Ringo Starr), but she'll always be my favorite.


#4 Kelly LeBrock (Weird Science Girl) - I don't mean to offend, but was there a better pair of tits in the '80s? (And they were real, too; bonus.) The picture is hard to see, but click on it and then let the natural enlarger work. That's a body! Kelly might have been single-handily responsible for the Science/technology boom of the late '80s/early '90s. Random note: the older brother? That was Bill Paxton! (BTW, thanks to McFrosty, who came up with this one while I am at the hotel. I wonder if that means she likes girls...)



#3 Maxine Bahns (Hope in SHE'S THE ONE) Edward Burns's second film has arguably the best-looking female cast of all time. Consider: Cameron Diaz at her absolute apex, Jennifer Aniston, when she still had the hair and enough weight on her that men were on hard-core lust and Amanda Peet, before we realized she couldn't act. But topping them all was Maxine Bahns, who plays Hope, the girl who marries Ed Brurns's character on the spur of the moment. There was just something about her...and we never heard of her again.


#2 Alanna Myles - The year was 1991. The song was "Black Velvet," a driving Southern Rock ballad with just a touch of Skynyrd and a whole lot of sex to it. Alanna's appeal went waaaaaay beyond her looks. You have to see her in action to comprehend, which is why I have given you this video. Please enjoy.

and the number one Inaugural Winnie Cooper All Star...



#1 Mia Sara (Sloane Peterson, and if you don't know where from, you suck) - I guarantee at least twice in your life you've been watching FERRIS and thought, "Whatever happened to Sloane?" She was hot, true, but there was something about her face. A quirk of her mouth, maybe, that said she wouldn't mind being bent over your grandmother's kitchen table, WHILE YOUR GRANDMOTHER WAS PLAYING MAH JONG WITH HER FRIENDS. Well, you get the idea. In fact, Sloane Peterson is such a perfect capper to this list that from now on I'm going to call it the Sloane Peterson All Stars.


Now Taking Applications.

March 12, 2007

I'm bugged



THE TOP FIVE THINGS BUGGING ME LATELY


#5 Ghosts in Movies/TV - You know how when there's a ghost on TV or the movies they always go through walls, furniture, and even people? It's because they are incorporeal; I get it. But answer me this: why don't they fall through the floor? If they are so immaterial, how is it these so-called "ghosts" stand on whatever surface presented to them?

#4 Pulled out of the Car - You always see it, a cop (or criminal), stopping a citizen and commandeering his car. But here's the thing: even if you stopped when flagged down, you'd simply put on the brakes, not put the car in park. Therefore, when the person gets out (or more often: is pulled out), the car should keep rolling, causing an accident, or at lest giving the hero/villain something more to worry about. But it never does. I hate it that movies can't take the time to get this small detail right.

#3 Calling all remotes - How have they not done this yet? Every remote should "beep" when called by the phone, so you can find it. They don't even need their own phone number. Remotes could be programmed to respond to a dial of "999" or something such, and only for 20 feet away from the phone in question. Honestly, how much hell is it when you're all comfortable and can't find the remote control? And we can't fix this?

#2 Online Gift Cards - Gift Cards are hellasweet, but sometimes you don't have the time to get to the store, or there isn't one near you, etc. Online Gift Cards would be so sweet. You log in with a code or something, and the gift purchaser already pays the shipping for whatever amount you've been given. Then, it's up to you to browse to your heart's content and pick out exactly what you want. This is such a great idea I firmly believe it will be done soon. I just wish I could cash in on it.

And the number one thing bugging me lately:

#1 Not Flushed Away - How $&^%*ing hard is it to flush a public restroom toilet? I get peeved when people don't return the shopping cart to the store, or at least one of the repositories in the parking lot. But you can at least understand that logic: walking 25-30 feet is hard!

But how hard is it to reach your foot up and press a lever? Would you leave a toilet unflushed at home? Why is it that I see this all the time? What possible justification is there for leaving the next person your refuse? If you're one of these people, I offer you the chance to explain in the comments. Then I offer you the chance to run, as I will hunt you down and beat you to death with a stick.



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