Don't Let Disney Make Your Daughter a Stripper

According to Chris Rock, if you are the parent of a girl your #1 job in raising her is to, "keep her off the stripper pole." And while I have heard the adage that every time a girl wraps around the pole for the first time an angel gets her wings (and then strips those wings off for sweaty dollar bills), Rock is right on this one.

But what can you do? Well, for starters there is the name. Names can be quite defining, and certain names just lend themselves to making your daughter more likely to be a stripper. For example: Baby Ethel? Probably not going to be a stripper. Baby She-Bitch? Better buy the industrial-sized tub of glitter.

Another thing I noticed recently is that Disney, that so-called wholesome entertertainer, has put out some movies with females dangerously named. Sure, in 2-D form they may only have to deal with neurotic lobsters and the occasional tale as old as time, but in the real world those girls would have sore backs and calves every single night.

The following is a list of Disney Names you ought to forgo when branding your daughter, to keep her off the pole:

THE TOP TEN DISNEY NAMES YOU SHOULD AVOID IF YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR DAUGHTER FROM BEING A STRIPPER

(That is one big pussy)

#10 Jasmine - The only exception is Indian girls, because no Indian father is going to put up with his daugther on the pole, not when there's a 7-11 to run!

#9 Cinderella - Four words to make the fetishists drool: high heeled glass slippers

(Insert your best "stretch" joke here)

#8 Elastic Girl - On the plus side, when she wrapped herself around the pole, she could literally wrap herself around the pole!

(Is that a hunch in your shirt, or are you just happy to see me?)

#7 Esmerelda - You can totally see her working the ugly guys for every last cent they have

#6 Sleeping Beauty/Briar Rose - Time to pluck some petals...(Sorry, that joke was lame, but if I kept the other one in there you'd all riot)

(Just the right size to fit in your pocket)

#5 Tinkerbell - A flying stripper? Suddenly the lapdance JUST GOT INTERESTING!

(It gets worse: Angela Lansbury's her pimp)

#4 Belle -You name a girl Belle, and if she don't turn out to be a Stripper, she'll at least marry her cousin (or family pet).

(Think of a certain bodily fluid and then think of the most famous song in this movie. Go ahead: I'll wait.)

#3 Ariel - On the one hand, the "mer" aspect does add a level to the striptease, but c'mon: are you going to risk her father showing up at the club and jamming a trident up your ass?

("Some day, my Prince will come....")

#2 Snow White - After she gets to know management, maybe she'll get the dwarves jobs over at Chippendales!

and the Number One Disney name to avoid...

(I believe this is called "presenting")

#1 Bambi - Name your girl this, and you might as well put a pole in her crib. Speaking of which, I seem to recall Bambi having a friend. Now THAT'S a name that poses no risk whatsoever.

(Thump her? I hardly know her!)

Probably Safe: Ursula, Meliificent, Cruella, Pochahontas (unless she goes by "Poke Her Hot Ass")


Now you know what they'd be like as strippers. But what would they be like in bed? Last year I took the character traits of the Disney Ladies and came up with a few theories. If you're still game after this list, head on over to Hyperion-X and see what Disney Girls are like beneath the sheets.