October 25, 2015

Redheads




With the sad passing of Maureen O'Hara, I broke out my Top list of Redheads from back in 2006. (Originally the list was 50, but upon publishing I immediately realized I made terrible omissions, and a supplemental list was necessary.)

Remember, all the jokes are nine years old! But don't focus on that, focus on the lovely Gingers, especially Maureen.







TOP FIFTY SIXTY-TWO REDHEADS EVER



#50 Clay Aiken - How can he still be single?




#49 Carrot Top - Have you seen his muscles? Scary



#48 Blossom - Koz insisted she make the list



#47 Erik the Red - I can't find his picture but apparently he'll do





#46 Mark McGwire - He'll always be a hero to me


#45 Chucky - I bet he gets all the toddlers



#44 Danny Bonaduce - I get him and David Cassidy confused




#43 David Caruso - I loathe Horatio Caine, so this is only an NYPD Blue shout out



#42 Charlotte Rae - Do you think she liked Blair best? Me too.



#41 Strawberry Shortcake - I think she looks delicious



#40 Tiffany - I wish we were alone now



#39 Reba McEntire - For about a decade or so she just got better with age.


#38 Sarah Bernhardt - There was a time she was the most famous person on earth.




#37 Red Grange - Best football player who ever lived. Look into it.




#36 Rick Astley - Still the best British Pop I ever heard. Take that, Oasis!



#35 Bette Midler - Did you know she and Krusty the Clown owned a horse? Krudler!



#34 Mario Batali - Would go much higher....except for the seafood



#33 Lizzie Borden - Proof Positive that PMS isn't made up



#32 Lindsay Lohan - Remember before she went on crack and was all hot?



#31 Little Orphan Annie - I got your "hard knock life" right here.




#30 Kathie Lee Gifford - Ten bucks says she's in Playboy by end of '07.


#29 Geri Halliwell - Was she Ginger Spice? I just got that!



#28 Geena Davis - I like her best in "The Long Kiss Goodnight"




#27 Groundskeeper Willie - Willie hears ya. Willie don't care.


#26 Bill Walton - Best passing big man ever, and simultaneously the most knowledgeable and most annoying basketball announcer of all time.


#25 Laura Prepon - She was lucky to have Forman.


#24 Archie Andrews - Two hot chicks fighting over him. We should be so lucky.


#23 Eric Stoltz - Prank Caller! Prank Caller!


#22 Bonnie Raitt - Love that white hair!


#21 Melissa Gilbert - She's on the right


#20 Queen Elizabeth I - And you thought your school pictures were a bitch


#19 Ariel - Love those sea shells. I wonder what she'd be like in bed.....


#18 Isla Fisher - The best part of Wedding Crashers. Why can't I find a psycho girl to settle down with?


#17 April O'Neil - A Ninja Turtle's best friend



#16 Nicole Kidman - Knocked down 6 spaces for Bewitched



#15 Alicia Witt - I have no idea why I love this girl...I just do


#14 Lauren Ambrose - you'd be weird if you grew up in a mortuary too.



#13 Conan O'Brien - I heard he robbed a bank - "in the year two-thousaaaaaaand!"


#12 Lucrezia Borgia - Now that's a school picture!




#11 Charlemagne - I'm related to him. Okay, most of North America is, but still....


*******

Supplemental Interlude

Again, I want to STRESS that those jokes were written in 2006. Some of them were funny (then), you gotta believe me!!

These 12 are the supplemental list I mentioned. It thought about re-ordering the list, but then I remembered you missed your last three payments, so you'll take what you can get, and be grateful!



[There were a few names that were omitted because they dyed their hair originally, such as Claire Danes or Julia Roberts (although in her case, she wouldn't have made it anyway). Others were of dubious certainty, and at the very least weren't "known" for their titian locks: Napoleon, William Blake, Genghis Khan, Judas, Jesus, Mary Magdalene, Emily Dickinson, and Malcolm X. Also, it's Little Red Riding HOOD]


Honorable Mention: Red Buttons, Red Adair, Red Auerbach, Red Skelton



#12 (Should have been #47) Pebbles Flintstone - Wilma was too much of a wet blanket, but this girl rocked. (Get it? Rocked? hee hee)



#11 (Should have been #44) Tina Louise - I still prefer Mrs. Howell, but Skipper should hit me with his hat for neglecting Ginger.



#10 (should be #41) Amy Adams - Is this girl a future star or what? [Editor's Note: NAILED IT, BABY!]



#9 (Should be #36) Maureen Dowd - I pretty much disagree with 100% of what this columnist has to say, but super intelligent hot liberals just turn me on so...



#8 (Should be #33) Beaker - Don't you think he'd be a great second man for Conan O'Brien?



#7 (Should be #32) Sara Rue - I just saw her yesterday on Celebrity Poker Showdown, but already I know this actress should have been on the list. Apart from her tig ol' bitties, she could actually play poker!



#6 (should have been #19) Sideshow Bob - How do I forget the man who could perform every single part from "The H.M.S. Pinafore"?



#5 (Should have been #15) Ronald McDonald - And my mom just brought me this great Happy Meal toy too. I totally suck.



#4 (Should have been #12) Nikki Cox - My oversight is especially galling here, seeing as how I put her on my International Kiss a Redhead Day!



#3 (should have been #8) Cate Blanchett - I think I was confused because she's been blonde lately, but shame on me for dissing one of the two greatest working actresses today.




#2 (should have been #5) Scarlett from G.I. Joe - What was I thinking? This was Snake Eyes's woman! I hope he and Storm Shadow don't come after me for the insult.


And the number 1 omission I made.......


#1 (should have been #3) Jessica Rabbit - Is that a rabbit in my pocket......?



End of Supplemental Section


*******



#10 Ann-Margaret - The hottest Flintstone guest character ever


#9 Raquel Welch - Makes me want to travel back in time....to 1 Million B.C.!


#8 Woody Allen - He had torrid affairs with women, then made movies about it and put those women in the movies. This is my dream. [Editor's Note: You win some, you lose some. At least it's not Cosby]


#7 Bette Davis - If she were alive today she'd have already scalped Julia Roberts as a pretender, and eaten Catherine Zeta Jones for lunch - and that's post stroke!



#6 Lolita Davidovich - I just like saying her name. Come on; say it with me: Lo-Lee-Ta Da-Vi-Do-Vich. Now say it real fast.


#5 Marcia Cross - Bree rules!



#4 Alyson Hannigan - Between Willow and the band geek, I'm in love



#3 Rita Hayworth - I originally thought she'd have to be #1, but the questionable origins of her hair color knock her down just a tad. Too bad she's not around, or I'd check to find out for sure.



#2 Katharine Hepburn - Not only is she easily the best Hepburn ever, but she was a feminist before it was cool, and a good kind of feminist too, not one of those dateless wonders.

And the number #1 Redhead of all time.....



#1 Maureen O'Hara - You need go no further than "The Quiet Man." That says it all, baby.












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