Preakness Names

The 2010 Preakness Stakes has come and gone, and while Lookin at Lucky is an okay Horse Name (would have felt more 2010-y if they'd used the @ sign, right?), it's certainly not the best.

Thank the soft sweet my little pony we have me.

Much as I did for the Kentucky Derby, I have gone through and looked at the names of every Preakness winner, and have heroically compiled the best for your entertainment below.

There were a few horse names that I used in my Derby list (because they won both, duh....) that I did not reuse here (but would have!) - Alysheba, Assault, Gallant Fox, Majestic Prince, Seattle Slew, Sunday Silence, War Admiral, War Emblem, Whirlaway

And I have one Dishonorable Mention, quite possibly the worst racehorse name I've yet come across: Burgoo King (1932 winner).  

Note: some of these horses are from millions of years ago, before photography was big (and for all I know, before sight), and finding their pictures proved impossible.  In these cases I strove to find the picture that best captured the "spirit" of their names.  I think you will agree I did an awesome job. 

And without further ado.....

THE VERY BESTEST PREAKNESS-WINNING HORSEY NAMES EVER

#18  Smarty Jones (2004) - Normally I hate names like this, but somehow it clicked for me. 

#17  Canonero II  (1971) - I picked this because of the it was a vehicle in the Simpsons!

#14 (tie)  Louis Quatorze (1996) and Knght of Ellerslie (1884) and Duke of Magenta (1878)  - One historical, one mythical and one....uh....progressive? (Admit it; in your heart of hearts, you didn't know "Magenta" existed before hippies, did you?)

#13  Rachel Alexandra (2009) - Sounds like a gorgeous princess.  I'd ride that filly!

#11 (tie) The Bard (1886) and Montague (1890)  - Gotta love these 19th Century literary horse owners! (And if you don't know who Montague is, hang your head in shame!) 

Bonus List:  Top 7  "Preakness Stakes"  Anagrams 7) Ken's Pasta's Reeks  6) Senate Asks Perks 5) Ska's Pet Sneakers 4) Teak Sparks Sense 3) Skeet Prank Asses 2) Tsar Keeps Snakes 1) Satan Seeks Perks

#10  Harold (1879) - How can you not love a horse named Harold?  You just HAVE to love him, right?

#9  Point Given (2001) - I admit that Point Given is not the greatest name in the history of the Universe, but it's the most impressive horse I have ever seen race live, so screw off! (Look how big that horse is! I bet Hyperion could even be his jockey.  Dare to have a dream....)

#8  Rhine Maiden (1915) - The world needs more Rhine Maidens.  (Or at least I do) (By the way, when I did a google image search for "Rhine Maiden, this picture came up. So, you know, count yourself lucky I didn't go with it.  It's repulsive...yet I can't look away!)

#7  Jack Hare (1918) - I like this name. Simple, yet conveys ultimate speed. (The only thing better at conveying the idea of ultimate speed?  "Crystal Meth"  Let's hope Courtney Love gets a racehorse some day so this can happen.)

#6  Saunterer (1881) - Conversely, while you like a name that conveys speed, it's also bad-ass to give your horse a name like Saunterer.  That's a Keith Hernandez moment right there. "My horse is so awesome that he can saunter and still beat you like a red-headed stepchild!" (By the way, would you ever Ever bet on a horse called Red-headed Stepchild? Me neither.  You just know they're gonna get beat! Might as well bet on French Army while you're at it!)

#5  Flocarline (1903) - I have no idea what Flocarline even means, but she sounds gorgeous.  I'm not ashamed to admit I spent almost an hour trying to come up with the right picture that you buzzed by in .3 seconds. Look at it some more!!!

#4  Kalitan (1917) - Another majestic-sounding name.  These turn-of-the-century boys had pizazz! 

#3  Tabasco Cat (1994) - I think it would be cool to put some Tabasco on a cat and see how it reacts.  Cats are such adaptable creatures that I'm sure it'd go over just fine. 

#2  Summer Squall (1990) - There's not a sentence in the world that isn't improved with the word "squall" in it.  Go ahead, try it!

and the number one name for a Preakness-winning Horse is......

#1  Man o' War (1920) - Named the greatest horse of the 20th Century, you have to believe that part of it (beyond the 4848493 victories) was such a sweet name. Fast is good. Ironic is good. Funny is good, but sitting on a horse and feeling like you're headed into battle?  Sign me up.

Hyperion

5/17/2010

Hyperion's List of Best Derby Names

Hyperion's List of Best Horsey Movies

Talk about Lookin at Lucky.....

Go to Rank Everything Home Page

Go to the HYPERION INSTITUTE Home Page (now with Dragons!)

Iron Man Anagrams

I'm hoping to go to the Midnight Premiere of IRON MAN 2 tonight (still working on corporate funding), but in the meantime, I thought you would enjoy a few silly Iron-Man-Anagrams to get you in the mood. (My arm is messed up, severely limiting typing, so special thanks to Koz for typing my my anagram ideas, and finding the pictures for me.)

MY FAVORITE IRON MAN ANAGRAMS

Iron Man 

IN ROMAN - There's a Monica Bellucci joke here, I just know it.

ROAM INN - You know, that's a pretty good name for an Inn. Maybe I will start one. 

IRON MAN II

AIR MINION - What is an Air Minion? A Winged Monkey?  I like it!

IRON MAN TWO

INTRO WOMAN - Now THIS is a 101 College course I actually could have used!

WORM NATION - I hate Worms; even fried. 

WARM NOTION - mmmmm....I got your warm notion.....right here

OAR MINT NOW - Now, more than ever!

TIN MOON WAR - Admit it; Tin-Moon War actually sounds intriguing. If there was a movie called that, you'd watch!

Robert Downey Jr. 

ROWDY REBORN JET - I don't know what it means....but I like it!

TRENDY JOB ROWER - This sounds vaguely dirty

BORROW NERDY JET - Remember Jet magazine? Whatever happened to that?

BOND POT WRY JEER - This is harder than it looks!

BREW NERD JOY POT - I've been trying to come up with some sort of joke about Downey's drug and alcohol problems, but I got nothin'

DRY BONER JET ROW - There's not a sentence in the world that couldn't be made funnier by the inclusion of "dry boner."

Gwynethth Paltrow

WHY PRATTLE GOWN - I'm not sure what a Prattle Gown is for, but I have some ideas....

TWENTY HAG PROWL - The "20 Hag Prowl" sounds like some advanced move from the Karma Sutra, like "Easing the Badger" or "The 9 Horse Hitch"

WARTHOG NEWT PRY - Warthog-newts: cute or terrifying? I'm honestly torn. 

LAWN TYPE GROWTH - As this is a family site, I'm NOT going to make the obvious joke here, but suddenly a first child named "Apple" makes more sense

GNARL POTTY WHEW - A gnarl potty? That's just twisted. Get it? See, twisted means the same as....oh, never mind. 

HOLY TWERP TWANG - Sounds like something Robin would say to Batman. Try it next time in place of your usual swears. "Holy Twerp Twang, Batman, look out!" POWWW!!!

PHAT WET WRONGLY - Today's slang lesson: Wet Fat = ewwwwww. Phat Wet.....wrong, but oh so right. 

THONG WRAP WETLY - Resist temptation to make wet thong joke resist temptation to make wet thong joke resist temptation to make wet thong joke resist....

WHET PANTY GROWL - Oh, COME ON! Gwynny, you're killing me, Girl. You're just killing me!

Whetting my (ahem) appetite for IRON MAN 2.....

Hyperion

May 6, 2010

Note - As you can tell from the Iron Man and RDjr. pix, Koz is a bastard. However, I had to draw the line and replace his Paltrow pic. But since he did work hard for find them for me, here it is. 

Go to Rank Everything Home Page

  Go to the HYPERION INSTITUTE Home Page (now with Dragons!)

Pick a Winner

Saturday's Kentucky Derby sure was exciting, as for the 3rd time in 4 years Calvin Borell (who sounds like a cross between Paul Prudhomme and Scotty Nguyen, n'est pas?^**) won the race in exciting fashion. Sadly, for the third straight year the winning horse had a boring name (2010 - Super Saver; 2009 - Mine That Bird; 2008 - Big Brown), which is too bad, because the Derby winners have had some fantastic names over the 136 years of racing. (And bizarre.  And funny.   And head-scratching, etc.)

To honor the race, I decided to rank my favorite Derby names Ever.

THE TOP 14 KENTUCKY DERBY-WINNING HORSE NAMES OF ALL TIME, BABY!

#14)  Donerail (1913) - Love this Donerail rolls off the tongue. Not to be confused with his less successful cousin horse Donnamartingraduates!¹

#13)  Majestic Prince (1969) - This just "sounds" like a great racehorse (or a special offer at the Foto Hut)

#12)  Assault (1946) - I asked my brother who this horse was, and he said, "That's Assault, Brother!"²

#11)  Baden-Baden (1877) - I have no idea what the name means, but I like the double-up. FYI: after he won the Derby, Baden-Baden was sold to Bill Backhouse. I swear that's true.³

#10)  Seattle Slew (1977) - Is this a murdering horse?  Some sort of expired cole-slaw? Who knows, but I like it!

#9)   Fusaichi Pegasus (2000) - "Fusao" is the owner's name, "ichi" means #1, and Pegasus is of course a winged horse. See, that's what racehorse names should be; personal, cool as hell and come with a story.

#8)  Whirlaway (1941) - What a neato-mosquito visual metaphor for a horsey leaving the others in his dust.

#7)   Omar Khayyam (1917) - Named for the smartest guy you've never heard of. (Look him up!)

#6)  Gallahadion (1941) - I just like the way this sounds to say and hear....Gallahadion.  Sounds like an expensive Scotch, or possibly a metrosexual Knight of the Round Table.⁴

#4) (tie)  War Admiral (1937) and War Emblem (2002) - I couldn't include one of the greatest names ever--Man-O-War--because his stupid owner refused to run him in the Derby! These guys are pretty close, though. (And so purrrty!)

#3)  Sunday Silence (1989) - This was the first year I paid attention to horse racing, and I hated Sunday Silence, since I had arbitrarily picked Easy Goer and rooted for him, but I have to admit there is something beautiful and elegiac about the name.

#2)  Alysheba (1987) - Daughter of Alydar, the only horse ever to come in second in all three Triple Crown Races to the same horse (Affirmed).⁵  This is my way of honoring Alydar, who didn't win, but also, Alysheba is just beautiful. It sounds great, and it's much better than their first choice, Allysheedy.⁶

and the number one name for a Kentucky Derby winner is....

#1)  Gallant Fox (1930) - Here's a horse with some pizazz. He won ten races as a 3 year old, including the Triple Crown, and then retired to Stud for 22 years. That's a living! Gallant Fox beat Gallant Knight to win the Derby, which just sounds like a Victorian poem waiting to happen. Finally, and I know this shouldn't count toward rating just the names, but Gallant Fox is the only Triple Crown winner to sire a Triple Crown winner, Omaha, in 1935. Beat that!

What about 2nd Place Horses, you ask? Glad you brought that up. I looked over the 136 horses who "Placed," and you could make an argument that the cream of the crop topped even the winners!  These were the best. (In Alphabetical order)  Alydar, Avatar, BagenBaggage, Bluegrass Cat, Casual Lies, Dapper Dan, Lion Heart, Rumbo, Summer Squall, Star Hawk, Sword Dancer, and Volcano.

As for 3rd (Show), the names were oddly quite boring. I guess there's a reason these horses didn't win! In all 136, I could really only come up with two good ones:  The Scoundrel⁷ and Fighting Bob.

Think my list could use a photo-finish? Take a look at the Top Three Finishes in Each Kentucky Derby and tell me where I went wrong.

HypeyHorsey

May 2, 2010

End Notes

** Prudhomme is a famous Cajun chef, Scotty Nguyen is a poker player originally from Viet Nam who says "Baby!" after every sentence, and n'est pas means "doesn't it?" in French. (The reason this Note has asterisks and the others are numbered is because I added it in Editing but was too lazy to go through and re-number everything else.)

¹ That was the chant the Senior Class at West Beverly High School shouted after the School Board

² Adam Sandler reference from BIG DADDY. I detest Adam Sandler; I only put the joke in hoping my brother might read the list if he knew

³ A Backhouse is an Outhouse. How'd you like that for a last name?

⁴ Weren't they all?

⁵ If you want 6 minutes of excitement, watch the three Triple Crown races from 1978, as Affirmed and Alydar went head to head - literally - in each race. (Alydar lost all three races by less than two lengths, TOTAL.) At least watch the Preakness; it is amazing, and had me yelling my head off at YouTube!

⁶ Ally Sheedy. Some things I expect you to look up on your own.

⁷ "The Scoundrel" would make a fantastic name for a bar, or a movie about a poker player, or a special Sandwich at a Deli. Actually, there is almost nothing that it wouldn't fit. Maybe that should be my new nickname.

See also: Hyperion's Favorite Horsey Movies

This is Hyperion Racehorse. For realz!!!

Go to Rank Everything Home Page
  Go to the HYPERION INSTITUTE Home Page (now with Dragons!)