MANLY Men

Popular Mechanics (magazine for the cool AV nerds, I'm guessing) got together to decide just who is a MANLY Man. They came up with their list of 25 skills a Man is supposed to have. Killing a spider? Not there. Making fun of a guy's mother in a fresh clever way? Nope. Understanding a Cover 2? Nada. Not even getting your Redwings made the list. What did make the list...well, I hope Popular Mechanics is not right. Or I am not much of a man.

25 skills a man is supposed to have

1. Patch a radiator hose - The odds of me even finding a hose are maybe 10 to 1. The odds of successfully patching it.....Duck tape?




2. Protect your computer - I have spent much of the last two months proving how ill equipped I am to protect anything. After dozens of hours of scans and re-scans and the like, I finally got it down to several .dll Error Messages when we log on. Eventually it will surely kill the computer, but I'll live with it, for now.



3. Rescue a boater who has capsized - This has to be a trick question. How hard could it be to pull them out of the water? Is this an ocean? Do I have to realign the boat? I'm suspicious with how easy this sounds.



4. Frame a wall - "It wasn't me, Officer! The Wall did it!" Other than that I got nothing.





5. Retouch digital photos - Unless you mean "Look through a stack of pictures, then look through them again," I'm out. All my digital photo manipulation takes place in MS Paint, and it shows.




6. Back up a trailer - As I read this just now I was picturing a hot-shot Trailer cop, who refuses to call in for back-up. Actually, I maneuvered some pretty bulky equipment working for Delta, so there's a chance I could manage this.




7. Build a campfire - I'd like to think that with my giant brain I could figure this out. However, knowing me, I'd probably use my giant brain to figure out how to fly off the deserted island.





8. Fix a dead outlet - Well, you need a sign out front with a good LED. Oh, wait: that's fixing a dead outlet mall. Dude, sometimes I can't even figure out outlets that actually work.





9. Navigate with a map and compass - This I can do. Fold a map, maybe not, but I can read one, baby. What's a compass?




10. Use a torque wrench - I know what "torque" is, and I know what a wrench is (I think), so I bet I'd have a good shot at picking a torque wrench out of the toolbox. How hard could it be to use one? I'm gonna say yes, I could do her do it.




11. Sharpen a knife - Dude, I have the Miracle Blade III (the Perfection Series) knives. They NEVER need sharpening.




12. Perform CPR - The one area where I am a thousand times better than any of you, and have been for years. Why? Because long ago I realized that the CPR training they give is wrong. Finally they agree with me. The Red Cross has discontinued the breathing training, because of how useless it is. It's not that they don't have breath, it's that they aren't moving at all! The only thing that matters is the heart, and that means beating the crap out of them. Supposedly, if you're not breaking a rib, you're not doing it right, and while I've never actually beaten someone's chest with a fury, I'd like to think I would be up to the challenge.




13. Fillet a fish - With my Miracle Blade III (the Perfection Series) Boning and Fillet knife I have no doubt whatsoever that I could do this with ease. The question remains: would I ever willing touch a fish? No. How about fillet a pork chop?




14. Maneuver a car out of a skid - Is there a single skill with more disagreement on what's right? When I was learning to drive, they taught "Turn with the Skid." Then it was "Turn the steering wheel in the direction you want to go," which may be the same thing, but isn't really any less confusion. The real secret, of course, is to reduce your speed in the first place, so you don't get into skids, and if you are in one, stay off the brakes, and shift the transmission down to low, if there is time. There is not much on earth more momentarily frightening than fishtailing or hydroplaning, but I think panic + going too fast causes 98% of skids.




15. Get a car unstuck - I am criminally bad at this. No really. Literally. Read for yourself. If I had to do it now, I would try to get the car rocking to gain momentum, or else just call the tow truck.





16. Back up data - You'd think with the time I've lost everything I would be better at this, but sadly, no. I can burn a backup CD fairly well, but I never seem to have them.




17. Paint a room - I have only done this once; I sucked.





18. Mix concrete - I actually rule at this one. I worked for a Marble and Granite guy one summer, and learned how to mix lime, cement, and grout anything that moves.





19. Clean a bolt-action rifle - Pipe cleaner? No, really. I got nothing.






20. Change oil and filter - I can look up "Lube and Go" on Google Maps, but I don't think that's what they mean. I don't know, dude. Could I even fit under a car?





21. Hook up an HDTV - I'm not sure if I could do this or not, but I'd sure as hell love to find out.




22. Bleed brakes - Those two words next to each other look very strange to me. I know I'm going to sound silly asking this, but why would you want to make brakes bleed? Do they owe you money?




23. Paddle a canoe - Oh, I can give a paddlin', baby. Never been in a canoe, but I got my paddlin' down just fine.




24. Fix a bike flat - My dad explained this to me when I read him the list. It sounds like the most complicated thing on Earth. You wouldn't believe me if I repeated it.




25. Extend your wireless network - Extend it where? I can sort of set up a wireless router, although I need help creating a WPA password and all that jazz. But I'm assuming extending it means making it work for a larger area? How on Earth would I do that? Rabbit ears? Table leaf? Magnets? I give up.

There were few maybes in there, but I think I only came out around 20% I am so not a Popular Mechanics MANLY Man. How'd you do?