Bark Obama

The news came out over the weekend that the Obama family had narrowed their choice of dog down to two:

A Labradoodle




Or a Portuguese Water Dog




Now, a family's choice of dog is a private affair, no matter how....(ahem).....sissified that choice may be. However, a president is more than a man. He's the leader, of the country, of the free world. Everything he says or does is a coded message, whether he wants it to be or not.

With that in mind I took the liberty of compiling a list of dogs the new president SHOULD select. My criteria included the baseline of first and foremost having a cool dog (as opposed to one that looks a '70s perm), but more importantly, the subconscious message behind the dog's choice. The world reads everything into what a president does. Might as well start talking.

Honorable Mentions that couldn't be included for various political reasons: Jack Russell Terrier (too Frasier); Pit-bull (not worth losing your agenda to the endless safety debate); Chihuahua (if you're going for the Latino Vote, you're better off with the pit-bull) Great Dane (the Press would call Obama Scooby Doo . You just know they would); Rhodesian Ridgeback (that whole stupid "Is Obama really an African?" debate would start up again): German Shepherd (would get accused of subtly dissing Israel); English Setter (there is no good reason why you wouldn't pick an English Setter. They rock, but there isn't much of a coded message here, and I'm trying to subtext, okay?); Rottweiler (actually, not a bad idea, at least when holding press conferences)



And without further ado

THE TOP TEN DOGS PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA SHOULD GET, AND WHAT "MESSAGE" THAT CHOICE OF DOG SENDS (AND ALSO WHAT I WOULD NAME THAT DOG, BECAUSE I'M JUST THAT BIG A NERD)

#10 White Lab - Labs are pretty much the best all-around American dogs, but the key here is to get a white one. This would be a subconscious way of saying, "Relax, Whitey. I got nothing but love for you." (Dog's name: Dover)





#9 Dalmatian - Okay; they're adorable, which can't hurt. Plus you pick up the Firefighter Vote and anyone who grew up on Disney movies. (Dog's Name: FDNY)





#8 Shar Pei - Also known as Chinese Fighting Dogs, this would be taken as a HUGE sign of goodwill by the Chinese. It might even help make a Tibet. (Or at least get it on sale.) Plus, there's something about extraordinarily ugly animals that just warms people's hearts, so any time Obama's job approval rating dipped he could bring out his dog Cheddar. (Get it? Shar Pei Cheddar. Hee hee)





#7 Siberian Husky - Helps with Russian relations, plus, it might neutralize Governor Palin in 2012. Obama makes a big deal about his mixed racial heritage, which is illustrated dramatically by the breed's tendency to have two different colored eyes. (If he could get away with it, Obama could call the dog Trip, but would probably have to go with Juno, which gets the point across more subtly anyway.)





#6 Welsh Corgi - My real reason for picking them is that in Cowboy Bebop there is a Welsh Corgi named Ein who has a 300 IQ. But I think it's all of them, because this dog is driving a car! If he can do that, surely he can help avoid another sub-prime mortgage crisis! (Dog's name: Grape Juice. I know it's corny, but it's perfect, huh? I am the world's greatest namer, but we'll talk about that another time.)






#5 Saint Bernard - The symbolism couldn't be more obvious: You need to be rescued, America? Well, Obama's here, baby. Obama's here. (Dog's Name: Louis. Think about it; I'm tired of explaining all these to you.)





#4 Border Collie - There has never, in the history of the planet, been ANYONE who didn't like a border collie once met. If mean Old Man Potter had a Border Collie, It's a Wonderful Life would have been about him! Having such a likable animal would obviously help in the polls, but more than that, it would reassure people that Obama hasn't forgotten the state of America's borders. Plus, possibly Maddy (short for Madeline) might be able to herd Congress! (It's worth a shot.)






#3 American Mastiff - The American Mastiff says everything you want to about the American Character. They're huge. They're so huge that they don't realize how huge they are, and consequently they sometimes break things without meaning to. However, despite how huge we Mastiffs are, they are friendly and peaceful by nature. You couldn't find a better companion. Conversely, you'd have to be absolutely nuts to attack one of these dogs. 'Nuff said. (Dog's name: Leviathan, but they call him Levi for short.)






#2 Redbone Hound - Obviously there has to be a hound dog on this list, and you can't pick a better one than a Redbone. Besides being gorgeous animals, Redbone Hounds can smell anything. The implication here is that no one in Washington better try to put anything over on Obama, because he and Old Sparky will sniff it out.



and the number one breed of dog Barack Obama should get for his time in the White House....




#1 Wolf - I realize this would be a tough sell because of the young girls, but I think that if Barack Obama got a wolf, he could end terrorism, and I am absolutely stone-cold not in any way kidding. Think about this. Not just jokingly, but actually think about this. Barack Obama goes to the White House, a building where dozens of the most important people in the world work, and where his wife and daughters live. Into that place he brings a wolf. Not a wolf-hound. A Wolf. What do you think he's going to do to anyone who messes with his country?


Hyperion
January 12, 2009



Notes
Title - It's like Barack Obama, but much like a '84 Pinto, without the AC
Dover - The "white" cliffs of Dover....
FDNY - It stands for the Fire Department of New York, which lost so many people in 9/11. There would be complaints Obama was politicizing tragedy, but most firefighters would take it as a gesture of respect, and how cool a name for a dog is that?
Louis - As in "Saint" Louis. Surely I didn't have to explain that one to you!
Grape Juice - "Welsh" Grape Juice? Sometimes I impress myself. More than anything in life (except taking over the world), I wish my job could be to name things. People would bring me their animals, businesses, rock groups, babies, cookie recipes, and I would tell them the perfect name. Sigh.
Juno - Juneau is a city in Alaska, and Juno was a recent movie about an unwed pregnant girl, much like Governor Palin's daughter....
Wolf - I didn't name the wolf up above, because I wanted to end on that chilling sentence, and also because I wanted to think about it awhile longer. I take this kind of stuff very seriously. You have no idea how long I spent thinking of which dogs to pick and what to name them. For a male, I would go with Storm Grey. Obviously Greyskull would be even better, but that would never fly. If the wolf was female, Rainsong. Now you know. 

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