December 23, 2009

Mistletoe Melodies







THE SEXIEST CHRISTMAS SONGS THERE EVER DID BE




 

#13 Baby It's Cold Outside (Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey) - I had never heard of this song until a year ago when Dragon mentioned it to me. I wanted to give you the Ray Charles version, but Dragon is a HUUUUGE Jessica Simpson fan.






 

#12 Please Come Home For Christmas (Bon Jovi) - I like this better than the Eagles' version. Plus, Cindy Crawford is in the video.






 

#11 Christmas - Baby Please Come Home (Mariah Carey) - One thing I noticed is how similar many of the titles are. Certain words used over and over as well.  (Think about it.) Mariah really knows how to belt this out.






 

#10 Merry Christmas Baby (Elvis) - I'm no Elvis fan, so you can take my word for it that he achieved his three entries on this list by pure merit. I can't prove this, but Elvis might well have been the Gateway to thinking about Christmas in a sexy way. That's a legacy, baby.As for the video....there is something...disturbingly hot about listening to Elvis sing while watching Anime pics!







 

#9 Christmas Time is Here (Michale Altamirano) - This is otherwise known as the Charlie Brown Christmas Song. It's the saddest Christmas song I have ever heard, and that just seems to do something for me. How messed up am I? (I couldn't find a lyrical version I liked, so I have an instrumental arrangement. It's amazing.)






 

#8 Last Christmas (Wham) - My friend Koz begged me to use the Hilary Duff version, but I refused to budge. Everyone loves Wham, right? On another note, this bitch (in the song) really broke George Michael's heart. (Or to be more accurate, she gave his heart away, the very next day, no less.) Anyway, I was thinking, what if this was the traumatic event that sent George over to Elton John's team? (Yes, I realize that most gay people are likely born that way, but it's possible that in George's case it was because of a broken heart, right? Add to that the girl from Father Figure, and it's no wonder he switched to all-wheel drive. I'm just sayin'....)






 

#7 I'll Be Home for Christmas (Karen Carpenter) - Is there a better female pop singer in the 20th Century than Karen Carpenter? I say no, although I would be willing to discuss. One thing is for sure: she knocks this song out of the park. I just realized it's kind of sad, too. Why am I finding all this sadness sexy? If I'm not careful "someone" will start licking my tears.






 

#6 The Christmas Song or Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire (Nat King Cole) - My mom does musical therapy for Alzheimer's patients (and other old folks) in several retirement and nursing homes. She told me that the number one request this month (after the obvious White Christmas) is the Chestnut song. At first I was surprised, but then it made sense. You wouldn't think to call it a favorite, but everyone loves it. It's kind of how you never think to order a Patty Melt in a diner, then you see someone eating one and you think, "Oh, I should have gotten the Patty Melt." Additionally, why have roasted chestnuts not become a holiday staple along with candy canes, eggnog, and brown-sugar beef jerky?






 

#5 Blue Christmas (Elvis) - Look at just some of the other people who have done version of Blue Christmas: Celine Dion, Collective Soul, Marie Osmond, Johnny Cash, John Denver, The Bryan Setzer Orchestra, The Partridge Family, The Pretenders, Dean Martin, Bill Idol, Porky Pig. I would pay to go to a concert where each of those people just sang their version of Blue Christmas. How cool would that be?






 

#4 All I Want for Christmas is You (My Chemical Romance) - The definitive version is Mariah, of course; in fact, she actually WROTE the song. (I am not making that up.) However, my sister had her heart set on this Miley Cyrus version, which was something up with which I could not put. So, I compromised and went with My Chemical Romance. They aren't really my cup of tea, but SOMEBODY has to like them, since they have like three of the top ten videos EVER on You Tube. Whatever happened to the girl who sang this in Love Actually? She should be legal now, right? (Just Kidding...sorta)







 

#3 Santa Baby (Kylie Minogue) - In any universe devoid of spider monkeys Santa Baby is #1. It just is. I know it. You know it. Bob Dole knows it. The song is pure sex! However, many women seem to loathe the song with a passion. Oh, she's so materialistic! And that makes her different from other women...how? Side Note: a couple of years ago I tried to write an adaptation called "Santa Pirate" that didn't end up going anywhere. However, my favorite line was and still is, "So shiver up me timbers tonight."






 

#2 Santa Claus is Back in Town (Elvis) - You know how I just said that Santa Baby would be the clear-cut #1 if the Estrogen Mafia weren't running things? Scratch that. This song is not only twice as sexual as Santa Baby, but it's dirtier. I'm astounded it isn't more well-known. Look at some of the lyrics: "Got no sleigh with reindeer/No sack on my back/You're gonna see me comin' in a big black Cadillac..." It's not hard to read between the lines, huh? Santa/Elvis is not a fan of sheepksin. How about this: "Hang up your pretty stockings/And turn off the light/Santa Claus is comin' down your chimney tonight...." To further fight the female power, I found the kickassingist music video I could. It's good to be the Santa.


and the Number One Sexiest Christmas Song ever....



 

#1 Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (Gloria Estefan) - This doesn't have the slap to the ass of the other two, but in a refined romantic way, Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas is as sexy as it gets. I have never heard a version on the radio that wasn't sung slowly, which is how most people like it. (Although: sometimes it's nice to speed things up, too.) Gloria and friends do a fabulous version here: a cappella! Plus, the song talks about the Fates, which is like some throw-back Odin worship or something, and that's always cool. What's not to love?



Hyperion
(Originally written December 2008)





Important Note: I listed who the singer was in each Video because people hate when they don't know. It was NOT my endorsement that the videos I have are THE Sexiest versions, merely what I used.



Honorable Mention:

I can't really call either of these songs "sexy." Heck, they aren't even really about Christmas! But they are often sung at Christmas, and there is something so hauntingly beautiful and stirring about them that it's not far off. (Links go to videos.)

and just for the sheer "Whoa!" factor - Try this Christmas Song. (Guys and Switch-Hitters only)









These songs made me remember another Christmas post from three years ago.

It's over on Hyperion After Dark, for Adults only!  If you need something to warm you up on a cold December day, check out:


(even though the story is steamy, you may want to be under a blanket - just in case...)






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