Fast Food

It might seem like I was upset at the very very very low response rate to my “Best Fast Food” request, because I called everyone who didn’t write in morons and because I didn’t post the results on Monday like I said I would. That’s not it. I was disappointed, but I waited hoping more answers would come in. They didn’t. You know, it’s okay. Probably too early in the evolution of Rank Everything to be asking readers to respond en masse. It’s just…I got so much for the driving one…I don’t know. I guess I thought this was the dawning of the age of Reader Response.

Anyway, here are the top five six responses from the few proud readers who dropped us a line:

#5 (tie) KFC and Cinnabon – if only they could combine those two flavors…

#4 Subway – I’m torn between wanting Jared killed and wanting to see him in other commercials, like for Lysol and Pamprin.

#2 (tie) Tim Horton’s and Arby’s – Don’t have much to say here except Tim Horton (HUGE up here in Canada) was a real person who died while drunk driving. I’m not saying those who go to Tim’s are supporting DUIs, but I am writing it.

And…

#1 Wendy’s - All you who did write in? You’re insane.

To right the wrong that is the above list, here’s the

ACTUAL TOP EIGHT FAST FOOD PLACES

First of all, there are only 8 spots on the list because honorable mentions absolutely MUST go to Carl’s Jr. and In-N-Out. They’re only in a small part of the US, but the burgers are simply divine; better than any on this list. In-N-Out is so good that it would be a serious contender for #1. Alas. If you EVER go to California, stop in for a Double-Double, Animal style. (And get the Western Bacon Cheeseburger at Carl’s. Simply rules.)

#8 Del Taco – I know this is heresy, but some (repeat, some) of their food is the best Tex-Mex fast food going. The only problem is how expensive it is. Still, their Taco Salad, which you can eat in the shell—and then eat the shell!—is heaven sent.

#7 Burger King – They copied a few things Carl’s Jr. does and I like them a lot better. The only problem is that their food isn’t super consistent. Sometimes the burgers are burnt. And their fries don’t rule like others’. Still, BK usually has something you want, including the sweet Croissandwich, which I believe they should sell all day long.

#6 Arby’s – Fantastic sandwiches, great curly fries; even the shakes rule. The only problem: you need to be a drug dealer to afford eating there. Unless you have one of those “5 for 5” coupons (or up here “5 for 8”), it costs like 4 bucks for a sandwich. Everything is so expensive. Too bad, really, since their food is so good. Remind me to tell you about the time I was talking to this girl in the parking lot of Arby’s and I got nervous and accidentally broke the rearview mirror. She laughed so hard I thought she’d throw up. Made her fall in love with me, though.

#5 McDonald’s – It physically pains me to put Mickey-Dees this low. I love McDonald’s, and hate the bad rap they get. Yes, others probably make better burgers, but McDonald’s is always very consistent. I can always go for it. And the nuggets? They rule. Shakes? Out of this world. Even the cookies are cool. You remember the fry commercial with the boxer…And let’s not even get started on the Happy Meals.

#4 KFC – Another place with unbelievable food, but kind of expensive. If we’re talking the next level up of restaurants KFC might be #1. I still love them. Their sandwiches rule, the popcorn chicken is good (although I can’t eat it all the time or it gets weird), and in America, biscuits and mashed potatoes. Sadly, these things aren’t available up here, which was enough to make Bear actually cry when he last came for a visit.

#3 Subway – The question you have to ask yourself is: could you eat a Subway sandwich every day of your life? I easily—very easily—could. It’s a no-brainer. With the right toppings and bread and the varieties, I can see how Jared did it. Of course, it helps to have a bread-mama who works there who will give you free sandwiches like I did, but even so…

#2 Taco Bell – Is there any hunger on Earth (with the possible exception of my hunger for Jessica Alba) that is as strong, exact and piercing as the one a.m. Taco Bell urge? How many times have you come out of a movie or concert or football game or whatever, and suddenly realized you HAD to have Taco Bell? Right then. I still remember the first time I ate three soft tacos in one bite (interlaced them and folded them up as one), or the day Bear came to me gasping, only able to make out the words “grilled stuffed burrito.” Add to that the fact that Taco Bell is the most economic place on this list…and you have the stuff dreams are made of.

And the number one fast food place….

#1 Chick-Fil-A – I refuse to even argue with you, so don’t bother. I know there are those out there who haven’t experienced Chick-Fil-A, and I don’t blame you. Rather, I pity you, like Christians pity the heathen natives. Here’s a better example: remember that Simpsons where Homer tried to fix the toaster and kept screwing up the present and finally found the perfect life only to utterly freak when he was told there were no doughnuts in the world? That’s how I’d feel without Chick-Fil-A. Hmm. Let me put it one more way. If you gave me the option of eating all I wanted from Chick-Fil-A every day or taking over the world but never having Chick-Fil-A again, I’d have to think about it for months. I’m not kidding. Since I left Georgia to enter the Witness Protection Program the two things I have missed the most are Koz and Chick-Fil-A. They didn’t invent chicken, just the chicken sandwich. Sniff sniff.