Apocalyp666e

I seriously doubt that today will bring us the Apocalypse, but just in case, I thought I would list the signs you should look for

THE TOP SIX SIGNS THAT THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US

#6 Billy Graham announces he is leaving his wife Ruth of over 50 years, will wed Paris Hilton. The two plan to start a gangsta rap/folk music duo and tour Lillith Fair.

#5 The seventh Harry Potter book comes out, called “Harry Potter and the Important Life Lesson.” In the book Voldemort beats Harry like he stole something, and takes up with Hermione and Ginny in a sordid Love Triangle.

#4 The CEOs of Coca Cola and Pepsi hold a joint press conference to announce that the two products are identical and the joke has been on the consumer all this time. “All those taste tests….what a bunch of rubes!” they splutter, laughing so hard they can hardly stand. When asked about “diet” colas, the two soft drink leaders almost have coronaries. “There’s no such thing!” they manage at last. “I mean, c’mon! Didn’t you get a little bit suspicious when you saw so many fat-asses drinking Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi?”

#3 The world is revealed to be an incredible hoax, as all of history has been faked. The world actually began in 1984 with the creation of The A-Team, and all history, artifacts and memories before then were implanted or concocted. Giddy scientists explain that carbon dating was a huge joke, and they just made up dates to piss off Creationists. B.A. Baracus shows up and says, “I pity the fool who suffered through World History” and grandmaster of the universe Hannibal Smith is seen puffing on a cigar and exclaiming happily: “I love it when a world comes together.”

#2 The Polar Ice Caps melt and Oceans rise, killing millions of animal species and flooding every coastal town. 70% of the world is displaced, and food becomes more valuable than anything. Riots are constant, wars are started, chaos ensues. The pressure of the water causes the earth to rend, and the Seas to rise up. Fire erupts from the molten core, scorching and destroying everything in its path. All of humanity, the entire world is engulfed in a cataclysm of Biblical proportions.

Oh, and the sign of the Apocalypse? People realize that Al Gore was actually right about something.

And the number one sign that the Apocyalypse might be upon us…..

#1 Delighted Readers donate to Hyperion’s PayPal account, eager to support such a treasure trove of great writing.